Allow me to introduce myself. I go by Gothmog, and I have used some underworld tricks to hack into Devin’s blog. He doesn’t know about it (yet), but even when he finds out, he will have a hard time finding out how I have broken in.
Who am I? Something you would call evil. I’m like Sauron in the Lord of the Rings, that detestable trilogy by Tolkien (who managed to escape our grasp–he and his twit friend Lewis). Sauron was first lieutenant under Morgoth. Hopefully you get the picture; I don’t have time to explain it all. Suffice it to say that me and my Master “have been through Hell and back.”
Well, Devin’s been writing for years now about this and that and whatever. I haven’t read all his posts (has anyone?), but lately it’s been all about “ecumenism” and “Christian unity,” two hated concepts where I’m from (though we’ve managed to subvert the first one pretty thoroughly). I’ve hacked his little blog here to weigh in with my thoughts about these issues, infinitely more interesting and worthwhile, I can assure you.
I’ll start with 1054 AD, the culmination of our Great Work, which you fools call the Great Schism or something like that.
I was infesting an area around the city once known as Constantinople. Those were heady days, stirring up pride within men’s hearts in such a great city; love it every time! You all know what happened. The Pope’s reps swagger down the aisle of some important church and throw down a bull of excommunication against the Patriarch of Constantinople. Such a sight, so beautiful.
Our hard work had paid off, but the whole thing could have been ruined by an act of humility on either side. Deliciously, none were made. No, just good ol’ pride–heavy and self-justifying–from everyone involved. Rome acting with its usual triumphalism, lording it over the lesser Sees, and that swelling jewel of the East, Constantinople, refusing to bow to anyone, much less that conquered, backward, stink-hole of a city out west.
Christianity was cloven solidly in two! We rejoiced like never before. Arius got close centuries prior but disappointed the big hopes we had pinned on him. This, however, this was the coup de grace: West from East, bishop against bishop, idiot successor of the Apostles Scourges against idiot successor. The East was broken into independent little churchy fiefdoms. The Catholic Church had one of its lungs punctured and deflated, and with only one lung left to breathe…we can squeeze, oh yes, we can squeeze hard.
All the Church Fathers, and all the Church men, couldn’t put the stupid Church back together again. (A delightful little rhyme I made up for the occasion.)
Nothing makes our work easier than divided Christians. “Divide and Conquer” is actually our Master’s motto, and in the 11th century, we struck a great blow for Division with the Catholic-Orthodox schism. Imagine our fear nowadays that Joseph Supreme Moron Ratzinger is making overtures to the Orthodox. I admit it: he’s landed more than a few solid blows on our collective chin, and his humility is disgusting, but we’ve lived through worse popes than him and come out on top.
That reminds me–I almost got carried away writing to you sniveling Christian twerps–I need to go stir up some more pride and triumphalism pronto if I’m going to stop this Reunion (which we call the Feared Disaster) from occurring. My Master has entrusted this vital task for all Helldom to me, and he doesn’t look on failure kindly.
P.S. I don’t have a picture yet but once I can figure out this infernal blog software’s image uploading I will be sure to post one so you can admire my handsome mug.
Recent Comments