In a recent post, I talked about whether it was okay to exclude someone from considering them for courtship (and therefore marriage) due to a given set of factors. I wanted to develop those thoughts a little bit more, though I have still not solidified on any conclusions about the matter.
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One factor that comes to mind is whether someone is a virgin or not. I can imagine someone who is a virgin wanting to marry a virgin, and therefore they would exclude someone from consideration based off of this factor. Is that wrong to do? Some part of me thinks that it must be because if the non-virgin has repented (assuming their loss of virginity was sinful and not, say, from a marriage where their spouse died), and God has forgiven them and been healing them of the effects of this sin, then why shouldn’t someone give them a chance and not exclude them?
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Then again, isn’t it someone’s prerogative to say: “I fought to remain pure and chaste during my life, and I have done so, by the grace of God. I want to marry someone who has also preserved the gift of purity”? After all, sins against purity often have devastating and long-lasting effects, most likely ones that will affect their future relationships, especially with their spouse. Oftentimes, such effects run deep in a person, and it takes a long time for God to untwist and heal the person of them. Why should someone who has accepted God’s grace in remaining pure force themselves to consider someone who will bring such potential difficulty into their lives? Why shouldn’t someone else be able to say, with a clear conscience: “I don’t want to deal with the effects of such grave sin in my future spouse, for we will be joining ourselves together in God as one flesh”?
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And what if a child has been conceived and born from an unchaste relationship? God in his mysterious wisdom has seen fit to create new life even in such a relationship, and this human life is beautiful and eternal. If the parent of that child has now turned away from sin and the unchaste relationship has been ended, what will they face in looking for a true Catholic spouse and parent for their child? Are there heroic Catholic men willing to even consider courting a single mother? Do most of these men already have children themselves from similar circumstances? How many Catholic men who are virgins would be willing to even consider such a relationship?
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St. Joseph left our Blessed Mother to divorce her quietly, as she was pregnant and there was no explanation given to him for it. But when God told him through an angel who the child was, and how the child was conceived, he returned to Mary and Jesus with arms wide open. He never would have left if things were explained to him from the start, but God willed it to happen in this other way. There are similarities as well as differences in the Holy Family’s genesis to that of single parents looking for spouses. One important difference is that our Blessed Mother did not sin in conceiving Jesus (rather the opposite!), so sin did not harm the Holy Family as it does other relationships, where it can tear families apart, and in particular, was not a factor St. Joseph had to consider when returning to his blessed wife and child.
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one! God bless you.

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