Grieving has different stages, we’re told. So, I’m going to assume that I’m working with one of the grieving stages here, even though this feels awfully like venting to me.
I know that everyone means well and that they’re sad for us, and that’s why they want to comfort Devin and me. But, to the one lady and the other lady and that other lady, it’s not helpful to say “You’re young. You’ll have many more children.” It’s also not helpful to say, “You don’t know what your baby would have been. It probably had a genetic problem, and it’s better that it wasn’t born.” Definitely not helpful.
Because, you see, I’m not ready to think about other babies. I’m sad for THIS baby. THIS child of our love who we will not hold in our arms this side of heaven. THIS member of the Rose family who might have had his father’s curls. When I see pregnant women, I don’t feel a longing for another baby; I feel an ache that I don’t look like that now with THIS baby.
I know that people don’t know what to say because miscarriage is awkward and nobody quite knows what to say; it’s strange because nobody ever really had a chance to know this baby. I know that all of these good people mean well, and want to reach out and ease our sorrow.  And, thank you to all of you who have said the perfect things–something as simple as “I’m so sorry”–and been so gentle and understanding. I have been amazed by the delicate charity (as Father Maciel says) of so many of our friends. Thank you.
Bless the Lord. Dear John Thomas, please pray for your mother, that I can be charitable and understanding. YKC!
Friday, 20. July 2007
katie, my heart breaks for you reading this and i wish i could gather all the hurt you feel and take it far away. live in the moment and know that your son and Heavenly Father love you all the more for it! I love you too, by the way.
Saturday, 21. July 2007
Thanks, sista’! You’re so sweet; thankfully, I wasn’t deeply offended by those comments, just more annoyed and exasperated. I hope you’re having a good move to NM today–Dev and I are praying for you.
Saturday, 21. July 2007
Blog readers, as you may have noticed, this post is receiving ongoing revisions.
As I’ve re-read it, I realized that I wrote it yesterday in a moment of frustration and am feeling the need now to temper my words. Sorry about that.
Saturday, 21. July 2007
Forgive them for they know not what they do.
I know your frustration. Perhaps, if you’re up for it before the end of the year, we might work together to write an aritcle for our parish newsletter on miscarriage and one section can be “what not to say.” –sharon
Sunday, 22. July 2007
Hi, so sorry to hear that you have suffered a miscarriage.
This happened to me the first and third time that I fell pregnant. I was devastated, the day after we had told everyone our good news nature took it’s own course. All our ‘expectations’, hopes and dreams for this child were gone and replaced with new fears about ever having children. However, the blessings were a new respect- a clear idea of the value of all children and how they should be treated as precious - a heightened awareness of how we would sacrifice for any children we may have in the future. We also had a few of the comments about disabled children which were not particularly helpful.
The doctor I had at the time told me to get pregnant as soon as possible. We carried on as normal and I fell pregnant again, with our daughter being born Oct 91 (the first pregnancy due date was Apr 91) I then miscarried again. A son was born Aug 93. At this point I felt I had been constantly pregnant! For a long time nothing happened and I was concerned that I hadn’t fallen pregnant then we were blessed with another son in Nov 97 and the day after his baptism found I was expecting again and we had another daughter in Feb 99.
I read up on Miscarriage at the time and read about the ‘blighted ovum’ when the cells don’t develop (empty nursery) and also that 1 in 5 pregnancies up to 20 weeks end in miscarriage. This felt so harsh when all around in society so many babies are unwanted etc etc. But I always think hard life experiences make you stronger. I have just returned from Medjugorje and was told by Lar Cummings from Ireland, who has the gift of praying for the Holy Souls about the importance of baptising miscarried children. This can be done by anyone. You use Holy Water, give the child a dual name and say the Creed, three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys.
I now no longer try to understand why and just accept that I am not in control of any of it and count my blessings.
God Bless You
Sunday, 22. July 2007
For anyone who wants some advice on what to say or what not to say, as well as what to do (certain gifts at certain times), Kimberly Hahn has a chapter on miscarriage in her book “Life-Giving Love.” My miscarried children have been included in the “Book of Life” at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York (http://www.innocents.com/bookoflife.html). This can be one source of comfort and healing you can let those who have lost a child know about.
A very simple way to acknowledge a couple’s loss is, when you are told of the miscarriage, ask if the child has a name. This lets the couple know that you acknowledge the child as an individual soul.
The sad comments made when a woman miscarries is yet another symptom of our sick culture of death. Saying you can simply replace a child who was never born is no different from telling a mother whose 16-year-old child died in a car accident that she can always have another one. In some ways, losing them before they are born is more difficult. You have no face to remember, never had a chance to hold them in your arms, and have very few memories to cherish. You can only imagine what they would have been like. I love each of the children I never had a chance to hold, and do not for one moment think they were replaced by the two that did reach birth. I am 19 weeks along with my current unborn child, and do not take for granted that I will hear his cry or hold his little hands in mine. I know very well how fragile life is, and I will continue to pray for him everyday.
God bless you Katie, and may John Thomas have the joy of being a big brother many times over!