I sat on my bed this morning, crying and explaining to God that He had made a big mistake.
Because, “God, I can’t do this. I can’t be a mother to all these children. They all want me, but I still want me, too. There’s not enough of me to go around. Most people get to grow into motherhood, growing up with their children. I have to learn how to mother a 2 1/2 year old and two 19-month boys and, now, a newborn, all in the span of 13 months. Most people get 8 years for 4 children. This is impossible. And, besides…(and, readers, I’m not proud of this) I don’t want them.”
I waited for the heavens to open and a bolt of lightening to smite me. But, instead, I heard the following in a very firm supernatural voice. “You choose them. Because, that’s what love is. And, they need love.”
If I can describe the tone I heard, it was motherly and very stern. If I had been a little girl complaining to my mother that “I don’t want to clean the bathrooms,” I would have heard the same tone as my mother pointed to the bathrooms and said in no uncertain terms, “You clean those bathrooms.”
I was entirely sobered. Hee hee. God sure knows how to set me straight.
And, the story ends happily because I left the bedroom with new resolve, and grace, and we had a great morning. Bless the Lord.
Friday, 13. November 2009
I love it when the Lord talks to us that way!! You are doing a great job Katie. I am totally in awe. And yes, even us with only 1 child feel this way. I think it is the devil putting doubt in our hearts. He loves to work on those doing God’s will! And you are!!
Friday, 13. November 2009
Ha! That is great! And so, so true. What a good reminder to all of us.
Friday, 13. November 2009
Katie, You are doing a wonderful thing but also a tremendously hard thing. The Lord must think a lot of both of you. If it helps any, we had four in 4.5 years and I literally kicked the garbage can when I found out about the fourth baby – there is still a dent to this day. I will keep praying for you – thanks for sharing the journey. Elena
Friday, 13. November 2009
Oh, girls, thank you so much. Please keep the kind words coming, as well as the empathetic comments. I feel awful when I have thoughts like I had this morning, so it’s a relief to know that you have felt the same.
Somehow, I always thought that my mother loved being a mommy to 8 of us, which I’m sure she did, but she must have felt the same at times. It comforts me to think how much I love my mother, despite her flaws and despite the times she must have felt like she wanted to give us away to Goodwill. So, I trust that my children will love me, even though I’m not a perfect mother.
Thank you, again, so much for your supportive words.
Friday, 13. November 2009
Katie, I agree with Alexis.
When Roxy was a newborn (and still today) Gerardo always used to remind me that we need to have the bad days in order to have the good and beautiful days. And when you are having a beautiful moment with your child (children), you see that all the bad moments are worth it, just to have that beautiful moment.
Sorry if that was too confusing. :S
You are doing great! Keep trusting in God.
Friday, 13. November 2009
Katie, God bless you for your honesty. My 5 are spaced over 17 years but I still frequently find myself saying to the Lord, “really, Lord, are you sure I can do this because I really don’t think I can”.
This is an incredibly challenging time you are going through but you will look back on it one day and it probably won’t take as long as you think for it to get easier. The Lord has given you an enormous job to do but He holds you up with His right hand. Have you read “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence”? It’s a good one for difficult times.
God bless you and thank you for the inspiration you both give to me in this beautiful work you are doing. I’m so grateful to God that He has called two such people with a vibrant faith in Him to give so generously of themselves and I’m grateful to you for being brave enough to admit how hard that is. That takes humility. God’s grace will see you through.
Friday, 13. November 2009
Katie, I think we all have these thoughts. Just today I thought, “God, 2 is enough. I’m done.” It is helpful for me to see that other moms, who I often think have it all together, struggle, too. God bless you for loving these children! Their lives will be forever better because of your love. We will keep you in our prayers!
Saturday, 14. November 2009
Praise be to God for you honesty! I don’t know how you do it but you do it well! I mean talk about responsibility delivered to your doorstep! I don’t know how you do it, but I know you can and are doing a great job!
I pray for babies but I also have a very strong love to being my selfish me and having all of my time. So I can’t imagine what it feels like to have to part with it. Gosh, I hate taking the dog out when it interrupts something I’m doing.
I think you might be in the hardest years as well, I’m sure when they become a little more self sufficient, it will be a tad bit easier.
Saturday, 14. November 2009
You are serving God and showing His love by just trying, Katie! These children will some day understand that you did your best in the difficult times and that will inspire them to also work through the tough times in their lives.
I often find myself repeating Mother Theresa’s words: God, I know that you won’t give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I wish you didn’t trust me so much!
Keep on doing your best every day–God planned for your sons to have their sister with them, and He will help you make it all work out!
Saturday, 14. November 2009
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but feel compelled to finally leave a comment. My husband and I had twin boys and then we welcomed our third son when the twins were just 16 months old. That was 11 years ago. Since then, we’ve had 2 little girls, but even our super buys days now are NOTHING compared to staying home, every day, all day with 3 little toddlers. I was emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted each day. However, I treasure the memories of those days and find comfort knowing that I was and still am doing God’s work and fulfilling my vocation. Trust me, it’s gets easier, and more fun as they get older.
Saturday, 14. November 2009
I enjoy your honesty and faith. I’m sure you’re a great mother, and I enjoy your blog. God bless, and hopefully it will get easier each day. I’ll pray for you and the family
Sunday, 15. November 2009
Katie! you have reminded me of how often and to what extent I under-appreciate my beautiful, hard-working, mother-of-three-soon-to-be-four, blessed wife, Veronica. Thank you and may god bless you and my Veronica for ever… and may He make Devin and I (and all us husbands) grow in appreciation!
Wednesday, 18. November 2009
The mood swings come with pregnancy, Katie. So chalk it up to the hormones, give yourself a rest (even if its that 5 minute breather in the bathroom), and put it all in God’s hands. The Lord is right. We were made for love. When it will be returned to you, it will be overflowing. God bless!