When I was an atheist, there was nothing in this world I feared more than children.
I feared being around children, and I feared having children more than anything. Children ruin your life and your dreams, I thought, demand all of your time and money, and are selfish, unaware, and inconsiderate. Sure, I had once been a child myself–that fact had not escaped me–but I was different in that I was especially mature and self-aware: There was no guarantee that my own children would be like me.
When I converted to Christianity from atheism 10 years ago, my fear of children persisted, but now it was even worse because, as a Christian, I knew that I was supposed to love and want children.
This aversion took a long time to dissipate, so it doesn’t surprise me, look ing back now, that our Lord made me wait 9 years before giving me children. It took spending time with good Christian families, watching other fathers interact with their children, watching my friends marry and become fathers; slowly, I realized that children were the crown jewel in a man’s life. I realized that my desire as a single man to save money nd retire by age 45 so I could live the “life of Riley” ultimately led to emptiness: I imagined myself retired and relaxed, and completely alone. No patrimony, no one to invest my life into. A full bank account and an empty life.
What does this have to do with adopted and biological children?
I’m now a father of three adopted children and two biological ones (one living, and one in Heaven: John Thomas miscarried 2 1/2 years ago). Do I love my biological son, Edmund, more than the adopted ones? No. But there is more to it than that.
A few months ago I was discussing fatherhood and the impending birth of our child with a coworker of mine, himself a father, and he claimed that “You will never have the same strong, deeply visceral connection with your adopted children as you will have with your biological ones.” His comment seemed to very wrong, as well as a bit ignorant, since he only has biological hildren, but I wondered (and feared) whether he might be right: What if I have an innate, instinctive connection to Edmund that I don’t have with Leo, Tobias, and Adele?
Now Edmund has been born, and I can say that, while my coworker was well-intentioned, he was indeed wrong, not because I feel a visceral connection to Edmund as well as my adopted children; instead, (and here is my admission to you): I don’t feel a visceral, deeply emotional connection to Edmund anymore than I felt for my adopted children. Rather, just as when I first saw the boys, at 7 months old, at their foster parents’ house, I felt…thoughtful: “Here is another person, another “I”, and I do not know them. I am going to be their father because I have decided to do so, decided to love them, and I have to believe that the feelings, the love, joy and tender affection that I hope we will have for one another will grow over time, flowing from this decision to love.”
I don’t know if other fathers are different from me and overflow with emotion at the sight of their first child–perhaps I have been scarred deeply in my former atheism and fear of children that my emotions are stunted–but I do know that God has created each of my children, both the ones of my flesh and those of my heart, and he loves them, and he has made me their father, so that I might love them as well, and show them the way to the Father through Christ. I will love them, whether I feel a deep emotional connection with them or not.
I will conclude by sharing an exciting glimpse that I had yesterday while spending time with my children: I felt within myself, as I watched them play, a swelling of happiness, an interior joy at their innocent mischief, and I realized that, through loving my twin boys over the past year and loving Adele for the past few months, God was beginning at last to give me the consolation of emotions toward them. I believe it will be the same for Edmund as well. Perhaps it will come more quickly with him, having known him since his beginning, but that’s God’s business; my business is to choose to love them all each day and to be their father, no matter the means by which Christ brought them to me.
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:14-19).
I’m forwarding this to my husband as he has descibed many of the same feelings with our children – both adopted and biological.
We don’t have biological children with us here on earth, but I can’t imagine loving them any more that we love our adopted son.
My theory is that God created our family. Our Family. Our son, IS my son, not a stranger who lives with us. God has inclined my heart, a mother’s heart toward this child, and I believe that he will do so with any other children he brings into our family as well.
Ahem…and just when did you intend to share this?:
http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/blog/from_0_to_4_in_12_months/
“I don’t feel a visceral, deeply emotional connection to Edmund…”
I know exactly what you mean (don’t get me wrong, I’ve never met Edmund
). This is exactly how I felt with my second child. Emotionally speaking, we just didn’t “click” right away. It took a number of conscious reminders of “I will love this child,” but I’m pleased to say that the clicking did eventually happen.
First child was different, possibly due to a fairly traumatic labor and recovery period. Baby and me basically grabbed on to each other and held on for dear life, so that kind of forced a rapid clicking.
I guess every experience with every kid is different. But the bottom line is, love is a choice.
Thank you Devin. Thank you for being honest enough to post your answers to questions I’ve been wondering myself (about myself and my ability to love adopted children). What a beautiful, honest post. Thank you!
Thank you for your comments friends. Misty, I am grateful that sharing this experience is helpful to you–may God bless you in your adoption pursuit!
We have four children (21, 18, 16, and 11). Our eldest child, a daughter, is adopted. (I feel that God closed my womb so that we would have her…and then opened it for our other children, but that isn’t the point of my comment.) When I was pregnant with our second child, my husband and I had several discussions about the thought that we couldn’t imagine loving another child any more than we loved our daughter. That is probably the opposite reaction that might be expected, but it was definitely our experience. We are so grateful to God for the way He built our family. Many blessings on you!
I have stood on the edge of my seat watching the building of your family unravel right before my eyes! It is amazing! I have shared blog posts and pictures with my husband as well…..
We made the decision to foster to adopt/foster just a short few weeks ago and we will be certified next Friday! The horror stories that I have heard are nothing compared to the hope I have after reading your story. I do believe and have high hopes in God that if it can happen to ya’ll it can happen to us! You are my inspiration and proof that God has a bigger plan while my womb is closed.
For once my home was barren, is now filled with a crib waiting to hold many babies that I pray come through my door.
I just want to thank you for sharing your story. It gave us great hope as we delve into the broken system. I’m not sure how we would handle 0-4 in one year if we were so blessed, but I do see that it can be done!
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. (Psalms 113:9)
Devin, your reaction to Edmund is completely normal. The fact is that it takes a little longer for Dads to bond with their children, but it will come. Moms have had that advantage of that nine months of visceral communication. For Dad, it takes the form of building a relationship, and right now, baby is not capable of it. And sometimes, Dads get jealous of this little stranger who is so totally demanding and so completely dependent. That is normal too. Becoming a father is not easy, and takes time, and self-giving, and patience, and coping with frustration and exhaustion, but this too is a phase that will pass.
I find the cautionary attitude of your work friend to be representative of people who have never experienced adoption (either themselves or through friends and families experience)
… I’m chuckling here because I wonder if my cousins felt they didn’t love me like their other cousins because I was adopted… and I’m thinking NO!! That to me is how ridiculous such a statement is. It’s wholly ignorant – and I will never understand how they don’t understand!! A family is a family – no matter how it is formed, it is always by the hand of God.
@ Nicole: Katie and I are humbled and honored that we were an influence, by God’s grace, in you and your husband choosing to foster-adopt. We pray that it goes smoothly, according to God’s will. There are definitely horror stories, but there are also many more wonderful, beautiful stories!
Devin-
Always enjoy your blog and your honesty. I wanted kids and was so grateful when it happened. And it has really cracked me open in terms of a tidal wave of love and concern. And that was part of what brought me back to the church – experiencing, channelling and sharing that love with and for my family – made me want to have the Lord with me front and center too. Couldn’t turn off the gratitude and had to take it back to a source of comfort all my life – Jesus. Plus wanted my kids to have that relationship with God too.
Thanks again for putting it all out there. Things aren’t ever simple when it comes to raising kids or defining one’s relationship with the Lord. Your wise words inspire me and I’m sure many, many others.
John
“You will never have the same strong, deeply visceral connection with your adopted children as you will have with your biological ones.”
That kind of ignorance infuriates me. God ordained adoption through his adoption of us (in the sacrament of Baptism). Adoption is an incredibly loving, miraculous experience, and it can result in extremely deep connections that this “expert” (who has never adopted) has no first-hand knowledge of.