Goodness, this adoption discussion is tricky. I re-read my “Mixed Families” post and realized that I left out two important words when discussing adoption and bonding. “At first.” ” Adoption is difficult,” I said; I should have added “at first”. “Bonding is easier with a biological child” I said; I should have added “at first.”
When I said that it is naturally easier to have feel affection for Edmund, I meant that my bonding to him is greatly facilitated by the hormones of pregnancy/breastfeeding and because it is easier to bond with a newborn than with an angry wounded two-year old. At first. Edmund is psychologically and developmentally wired for bonding; he almost can’t help but love me and Devin and think that we are the most important people in the world–and, really, he’s got great taste. 
We are falling madly in love with him very quickly. Adele, on the other hand, came to us with some walls around her little heart, and repeatedly rebuffed various kisses and hugs and tickles. At first.
But, as the weeks have passed since she became part of our family, she is becoming very much like Edmund. She very much wants to be my baby. She wants to be held constantly and asks to nurse and have her diaper changed. I am thrilled that she is beginning to make the needs of her heart known and am doing all I can to pour out love. We have found that role play seems to fill many of her emotional “baby” needs, so she pretend “nurses” before bedtime, and I pretend to “change her diaper” when I change her brothers. Devin and I feel grateful to Our Lord that Adele’s heart still has the courage to open to love; many children in the foster care system are hurt so many times that they stop being open to relationships, but Adele is young enough to risk her heart.
And, blessedly, I am falling madly in love with Adele, too. Her brothers already have their names written in the palm of my hand, and I am beginning to add her name to my list of my most favorite people. It is amazing to watch her blosssom into a silly generous gentle petulant emotional endearing child. And, the affection that I felt so quickly with Edmund is now swelling to include Adele as well. Yesterday, I was unpacking summer clothes, and I stumbled across a pair of 5T pajamas that we are saving for Adele; holding them in my hands, I imagined her as a tall slender 5 year-old and I was delighted to find that my eyes were filled with tears. Mothers cry at the thought of their babies growing up. I feel like her mother! I ached at the thought of seeing her grow up, both because she will be so very beautiful and because she will eventually grow up and leave us. I am increasingly crazy about this girl, and that is a wonderful thing.
Each of my children is a gift. Each one is so very different and needs my love in a unique way. They are all my children and I can’t wait (0kay, I can actually wait a year or two) to meet the children who will join our family later. I think our next adoptive request will be for a sister for Adele. And, then we will begin the bonding journey all over again. Blessed be God.
I think many of us knew what you meant when you wrote your previous post. It’s a beautiful thing, what’s happening in your family. Thank you for sharing!
BIG smile.
We adopted 2 children from Haiti 10 and 12 years ago at ages 7 and 2. The \at first’ is very important, but also the \forever\ The older one, who is 16 now, had a very rough time last year, questioning everything. This year she (and thus all of us) has so much more peace. Prayer & perserverance!
Beautiful post, Katie. With four children, including a newborn, it’s amazing that you’re able to make the time to post at all! You have a beautiful family, and all your children are very lucky to have you.
Very well said Katie! Beautiful post.
Thank you for sharing that, especially this part – “Adele’s heart still has the courage to open to love.” So precious. You are doing a great job – I’m sorry if you’ve received negative feedback about what you’ve written before. (I don’t always keep up with the comments.) Your honesty is very much needed and appreciated… My husband and I have considered fostering or adopting when our biological children are older – no doubt, if we do, we should be prepared for an even bigger challenge of falling in love with an older child or teenager.
Brilliant post, Katie. You echo my very own feelings. (Except that the newborn in my scenerio was adopted as well…still much easier to bond to AT FIRST than wounded three year old).
Thank you for all your beautiful, honest posts, Katie. I didn’t get to respond on the earlier post about mixed families, but I do come from a family with one biological (me) and one adopted child (my brother). He was adopted as a newborn and resembles our family; it seems there weren’t many challenges with bonding. But I think the lack of challenges and lack of discussion about adoption made it more difficult for him to accept that he was adopted, I remember he was kind of in denial about it for a long time and still rarely brings it up.
I’m not sure if this was mentioned yet, but to me it seems that a foster-adopt situation would take bonding to a much different level than most adoptions. Do you think you tend to go into it with a more guarded heart than those who adopt a child with the adoption complete or nearly complete (such as a foreign adoption)? I would think that would contribute to a slower bonding experience than others. Just a thought that keeps coming to my mind…
Continued prayers for your beautiful Rose garden!
Very well said, Katie.
here’s an article and comments that reflect what you said
http://www.steadymom.com/2010/03/5-adoption-myths-you-shouldnt-believe.html