My parish is bad, and I'm grumpy about it
Last week I made a controversial post about praise singing in a parish hall setting (which fellow convert Brent Stubbs is going to respond to in a guest post right here soon).
In the comments, some thoughts were shared on the lack of friendliness in Catholic parishes, people not feeling welcomed, etc. So I’d like to give my experience in parish life since I became Catholic ten years ago, with ideas as to how even an introvert like me can form relationships.
1. Show Up, Get Involved
Every parish unofficially has a group of core members. It’s the 20% of the people who do 80% of the ministries. They are involved in all the activities; they are at the parish a lot, whether for the bake sale, daily Mass, adoration, whatever.
If you start showing up at things regularly, you will meet some of these people. Find one thing to participate in and show up for the meetings, whether CCD instruction/helping, St. Vincent de Paul Society, youth group leadership, adoration coordination (and attendance), daily Mass…doesn’t matter what, just do something.
You will meet people this way. I certainly did. In all the parishes I attended, I ended up getting to know many of the people in this core active group, simply by getting involved.
2. Overcoming Differences in Life State
I was the youngest person is my parish’s St. Vincent de Paul Society. Almost everyone else had gray and white hair. Same with adoration coordination, which I did for a long time. Same with CCD instruction, which I also did. Oh well. Meet people anyway.
And what happened? I got to know a neat family, with five children, ages 0 to 12 (now they’re 10 to 22!), and I spent a ton of time with them as a single guy. The dad and I became friends, and he acted as a mentor to me. He taught me how to be a Catholic man, how to invest in real estate, how to be a good father, everything! I attribute much of the success of my courtship with Katie to the manly principles that this father taught me.
And the older people I met were incredible. I knew so many of them that every few months one would pass away and there would be a funeral Mass. People I had spent years of daily Mass with. If you asked, they would share stories of their life, emigrating from Ireland, working in New York City while the twin towers were built, running marathons at 70 years old, praying for years outside abortion clinics and shutting them down. Faithful, kind people. All my grandparents had long passed away, so knowing them has been like having lots of grandparents.
3. Be Interested in People
Maybe you’re an introvert, too, but don’t think you can meet people easily. You’re wrong. All it takes is to be truly interested in another person. Ask them questions. If you aren’t truly interested, act like you are. Who are they? What do they do? Have they always been Catholic? Can you offer them any help with their projects/ministries?
I became friends with one older guy, quite lonely. I learned he had divorced long ago, didn’t see his children much. He used to ask me if I was going to the Knights of Columbus fish fry on Fridays during Lent, so that we could sit together and eat and talk. That was a big deal to him. And though often I was “too busy,” it was good to talk with him and learn about his life. He and I went to adoration together week in, week out, for five years.
I also got to know an elderly lady who had been a nun before Vatican II. The misapplication of the Council’s teachings had thrown many religious orders into chaos. Hers was one of them. She was the only sister in her community who still wanted to wear a habit. They ostracized her and ran her out. You can read about what happened during those turbulent decades after the Council, or you can hear it directly from someone whose life was changed by it.
She didn’t care that I was an introvert. She fell and hurt herself and so couldn’t walk to Mass anymore, so I would take her there (or to adoration). Along the way, we would pick up my friend who had cerebral palsy and couldn’t drive. He also loved the time we all spent together. It was quite an odd crew: an octogenarian former nun, a middle-aged guy with severe cerebral palsy, and me, a young single guy who had been an atheist most of his life.
Bad Parishes, Schmad Parishes
I’m the first to admit that much needs improving in the Catholic Church. The doctrine are true, but the people aren’t perfect, or even close to it. But I don’t buy the complaining about things: if you don’t like it, work to change it.
Most priests hear crap from people all the time: complaining (too hot! too cold!), criticizing (why did Mass take an hour an fifteen minutes last week instead of an hour?), bellyaching. What they need is someone who will help them. Make yourself useful to the priest and help him with whatever project or task he could use your aid on. Watch even a grouchy priest smile in gratitude.
Truth is that there’s a ton to do in every parish, and 80% of the people do none of it. Be one of the 20% who do something. You should have seen it in my small parish where we live, when I offered to teach a few classes on apologetics. That very weekend the deacon announced “you’ve been asking for some kind of classes for years, and now we finally have someone to teach some! Devin Ross (oops, it’s Rose, but who cares?) is going to give a seminar on apologetics.” People started clapping. Sixty people showed up for the first one, and this is in a tiny parish. Do something. Help out. Make your parish better.
What have you done to help improve your parish or meet people? Any tips?
Great stuff. Props for the Victor Meldrew picture too
In 15 years of being a member of a congregation, I have learned that all sorts of people inhabit the pews.
Some are extroverts, introverts, happy, sad, friendly, unfriendly, active, inactive.
Many float in and out of those categories depending on many factors in their life.
But through it all, the Holy Spirit is at work in the lives of those whom He has called together in the life of that congregation.
_________________________________________________
You want to know if the Holy Spirit is at work in the life of someone?
Are they breathing? (then He is still working on them
)
Thanks!
I got schooled recently. Here is what happened.
I went to a local parish for the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, and was red faced at the awful music. It was the “Creation Mass” by Haugan, and I truly felt violated at the awfulness of the ireverent hippie music (this is why I drive 45 minutes to go to a reverent liturgy on Sundays). I read online an article “how to start a garage schola”
http://www.ceciliaschola.org/pdf/garage.pdf
by Jefrey Tucker, and I felt a bit humbled. His #1 point was to stop complaining and start DOING something. He said to NEVER complain to the pastor until you have started your own schola that is willing to sing every Sunday. (!!!)
Point being, it is A LOT of work to change the bad situations at our parishes. Just the issue of music alone requires a lot of work. Not to mention catechesis and such.
Here is the problem though Devin, I will not go to my local parishes because they are bad enough it will take years to change them. I cant wait 5 years or more because I have lots of young children. I dont want them to be guinea pigs for years… being subjected to the “music” at these parishes during their formative years. Do you see my predicament? How will these impoverished parishes change if the people who care drive an hour to more faithful parishes in the city? I don’t see an answer.
One thing is for sure though, we need to not complain to our Priests PERIOD. We need to either shut up, or present fully formed solutions (like you did with your apolagetics class, good for you bro).
Another point I want to make is where I think some complaining is perhaps in order. The bishops. Why cant they put a 6 month or even a year limit on the horid music? That would be plenty of time for the current musicians and laypeople to learn the music that the Magisterium has said over and over is proper for mass: Chant.
I think this issue needs top down leadership to a degree. Laymen can only do so much, and small churches with limited musical resources cant be expected to do seperate masses with chant at 9 and Haugan show tunes at 11, it is just to much. We need a hero to tell us how it is going to be! Benedict rescue us!
David,
Great point. And a tough one. We moved parishes at one point (in part) because we didn’t want our children exposed to a certain homilist at our parish. Your children’s spiritual well-being takes precedence. Of course, any parish you go to will need help in some way, but I agree that staying at a parish that is negatively forming your children spiritually is bad.
Whoa!
Great points. In my experience, it’s sometimes the extroverts who need this advice! I feel like as an introvert, I was forced to get creative early in life regarding meeting people. Knowing I was a quieter/introverted person, I always automatically assumed that if I didn’t have enough friends/connections, it was my temperament, not anyone else’s “fault.” On the flip side, I’ve seen wonderful, faithful extroverts complain about aspects of a parish that frankly, as an introvert, I find to be ideal. Like the lack of lengthy, social greetings to make you “feel welcome”?? Ha, that would NOT make me feel welcome! I am so glad it’s quiet before our Masses! I have been to parishes that value this approach, and it’s just really hard for me because I feel overwhelmed and distracted before Mass. I’ve even been to churches who want you to stand up and introduce yourself before Mass to everyone. ACK!! Trust me, the only folks who think this is “good” are extroverts who love being in the spotlight!
The rest of us never want to attend again.
So I’ve learned not to assume something is objectively wrong with a parish just because it doesn’t suit *my* preferences. I am naturally going to prefer more introverted ways of connecting whereas others will prefer more extroverted approaches.
True, Sarah, for me as well. My first parish did the thing where newcomers and visitors were asked to stand up at the beginning of Mass (in front of 600 people) and sometimes say something. BAD!
“the church should do this and the church should do that..”
blah blah.
YOU. WE are the church.
your message is convicting
Good post! You know, if I ever convert, I’ve been thinking maybe I should return to that very church where I had my initial “bad experience”. I don’t know why necessarily, but it’s just an urge I’ve had — maybe a lesson in forgiveness, in compassion?
Anyways, I wanted to let you know this past Sunday I approached the only Catholic family I know –I wanted to attend their church for my first visit to a Catholic church, but got lost and thus had to go to St. Nastylook’s instead
— and got easy directions to their church. They are super kind people, and I look forward to attending at some point.
Elizabeth, that is great to hear, and exciting. And you can tell that person if you ever see them: “you know, I wasn’t even Catholic and you gave me a mean look. But I became Catholic anyway, so now we’re brothers and sisters and you can’t get rid of me!”
Good post Devin,
But I would caution that sometimes you have to find a parish that fits you before you get involved to make it better, the parish we got confirmed in is great. We love everyone there, they are still like family and when we show up from time to time as sponsors this year it’s a family reunion. But the parish nearest our home is more austere in both how it handles the Liturgy and in how the Sanctuary is outfitted, and we find now that we are older we really prefer a quieter more reverent liturgy. I don’t mean that we are better, just different and it really makes us much more comfortable.
So we got confirmed, then switched parishes, but we still attend from time to time, and have gone back to the same RCIA to help sponsor others. To us it’s all the same Catholic church so we give our time where it’s needed, but when we worship we try to stay in our comfortable zone (it’s called getting older
We got involved the minute we walked in the door, are there things I would like to change? Yep, but you know what? it will come in time. There’s no point in getting hung up on every little detail, just serve where you can, and little by little it will get better.
I still like the old protestant saying that WE are his hands and feet, there’s wisdom there…
-Paul-
Hi, Devin!
I’m a fellow Portuguese catholic.
Just a few comments:
1 – Portugal is traditionally a catholic country (even if it means that out of 9 million claiming to be catholics, only 2 million actually attend Mass regularly (just a bit of context).
In Portugal, the whole “parish as community” discussion truly does not make sense, because people do note expect their parishes to serve socialization/ community purposes. Also, I must say I’m quite certain that is a very American thing, probably very much an influence of protestant churches. I remember being a kid and watching on TV a preacher of old times in nowhere, USA, preaching at length on Sunday to a small congregation, chatting with the members of the congregation at the end and thinking “wow, inspiring sermon, community… wonderful”. Well, it took me a few years, but now I appreciate a bit more the fact that the Catholic Church does nothing to foster the “church families” I so often hear mentioned in protestant blogs. And here’s why: I deeply believe, as a Catholic, that we are to forge meaning relationships with as many diverse people as possible (all of them Children of God, regardless of their faith or lack thereof). It was Saint Ignatius of Loyola who once said about the church “the more universal (and this may be taken not just geographically) the more divine”. Indeed, closing yourself up in your faith community may (and I dare say will) make you more intolerant, more arrogant and thus less of a christian. Also, creating true community with people different from you allows one the freedom to convert, “deconvert”, disagree, discuss, whatever. I’m a cradle catholic, went through a phase of rebellion and disbelief and finally came back with much more passion, and all the while my most meaningful relationships stayed the same. Nothing makes me happier than watching people of different faiths engaging and building friendships with each other.
2 – I remember reading a while ago that the Holy Pope recommended that homilies take no longer than 10 minutes. His reasoning was that a longer one would detract from the true purpose of the Mass, which was adoration and not inspiration. Also, priests are moved every few years, which prevents people from being tempted to “adore” the priest too much!
3 – Just a comment on the misappropriation of the hands and feet thing: it was Saint Teresa de Avila who first said that in the XVI century (in neighouring Spain).
4 – Aesthetic challenge in Portuguese Masses usually comes from old ladies singing hymns (which could very well be prevented if younger voices volunteered to sing!), although not always.
But I must say in their defense that it is still more dignified that what I’ve seen from megachurches in the US. If catholics are so adamant in not making concessions in the sexual and moral realms (which are way harder to obey), then why should the Church lower its standards aesthetically? I should recall the teaching of the Holy Pope on art and how it can and should point to God. If you come to Europe and you see the most wonderful old churches everywhere, even in the poorest of villages, even when people were going shoeless, then one might rethink the aesthetics issue.
J.
Joana, welcome to my blog and thank you for this comment. I think this perspective from a Portuguese Catholic is valuable.