A wonderful Catholic family I know has just seen their young adult child leave the Faith entirely. They went to daily Mass, homeschooled for a long time, and did their best to form their children in the Faith.
But the culture can draw someone away in spite of these good things. It’s powerful. Like Magneto.
It’s easier to accept materialism than to believe in God, whom you cannot see.
It’s easier to reject the notion of virtue than to strive to live virtuously.
Our culture is attractive: gadgets, sexual “freedom,” rational-sounding arguments for rejecting Jesus Christ. Living the Christian Faith is really hard, and more often than not you are laughed at for it.
What can be done as Catholics?
Strengthen your Catholic community, rear your children in the Faith and be alert to what kind of music they want to listen to, what the Catholic schools are like in the area (if you send them to Catholic school). Many Catholic schools may as well be public ones, or they’re even worse because the kids there are supposed to be virtuous but instead they’re as catty and cliquish and mean as anyone. How painful when a child goes to a Catholic school only to be ostracized by ostensibly Catholic classmates.
Strengthen your parish community, through living close to other faithful Catholic families, as close as you can. 1 minute is better than 5 minutes. 5 is better than 10. And if you are 20 minutes away, you may as well live an hour away. Ultimately we want to buy land and live close by other Catholic families, working together with them as the Amish do…awesome! But that’s a long ways away. Start with baby steps.
Growing Religions
But Mormonism and Islam are growing in the U.S. Why?
Because they offer a strong community. The Catholics in the U.S. do not have strong community. But Mormons’ lives revolve around their faith community: religiously and socially. And that makes it almost unthinkable for most Mormons to even contemplate leaving or questioning Mormonism. They would lose everything! And they love their family and friends, who are almost always all Mormon.
And what if they left Mormonism and became Catholic–I know a few souls who have done so–what kind of community will they be embraced by? Unless they go to a great parish or make a huge effort to meet people, they’ll likely be ignored more than embraced. No wonder people become Mormon and Protestant and Orthodox!
Islam is similar, and offers a strong dogmatic alternative to the relativism that our country has embraced.
It’s heartbreaking to see children leave the Faith and do things that are hurtful to themselves, even though they doesn’t realize it. But there is always hope: they received the sacraments and believed during a formative time growing up. God can bring anyone back, though the road may be long and painful. Parents can only do their best; ultimately children get to make their own decisions, and sometimes they make wrong ones, even in huge ways. Free will is a radical gift, blessed be God.
Update: I am going to make a post on Friday that goes deeper into what parents can do and should watch out for.
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For Christians of all Traditions, these are unsettling times – at least for those of us with a Western Christendom heritage. “When the foundations are being destroyed, what the righteous do?” (Psalm 11.3). Here in the UK the ‘foundations’ are in poorer shape than in North America. With some notable exceptions, ours is a picture of decline. Britain is the oldest industrialized nation in the world. It isn’t too wild a piece of speculation to suggest that what is here today will cross the Atlantic tomorrow.
In general I accept the analysis that identifies parallel Post-Modern and Post-Christendom shifts. Because we’ve been living with the impact of this cultural transformation in the UK for a good while now, I think it’s possible to see a spectrum of responses to change from radical openness to extreme defensiveness. Broadly I tend to towards the former, with the caveat that nurturing vital and lifegiving Christian community is crucially important. As a Mennonite I warm to your mention of Amish communities. I would however, be more supportive of their community-mindedness than their seclusion.
If I have one thing to say, it’s to urge humility. It is all too tempting to blame the host culture for anti-Christian sentiments. The history of Western Christendom though, is bloody and beligerant. We have a lot to unlearn in finding a new relevance in this strange new Post-Christendom landscape. Devin, you are surely right that the Catholic community has immense inner resources. I pray that all this energy and creativity will maintain an attitude of openness, when every instinct leads us to retreat behind high walls.
In the past few years I came to regard the UK as the precursor of the US, not only as a nation but also culturally as of late. Especially the tendency of totally embracing by conservatives of the culture of death and of sexual libertinism. That someone in the UK has the same assessment affirms mine.
Phil, good perspective.
I for one don’t want to build high walls and would love to work side-by-side in an agrarian/homestead setting with Amish and Mennonites, but I think they would not welcome me. Not sure. I’ve considered though seeing if they would let me learn some skills from them, animal husbandry, plants, draft animals, etc.
I used to live in the suburb of Illinois and we had a large Vietnamese Catholic community in Dupage County of about 2000 people. Although we don’t live close to each other, the priest of the parish and the Chairman of the Catholic association of the parish (who also happens to be my father), work hard to get a sense of community in our parish. We pool our resources and bought a small church for our community.
We had potluck lunch or bake sales after mass every Sunday. Aside from religious classes, we also provide free English as a Second Language class for all new immigrants not just Catholics. As such, everyone in our parish knows each other and helps one another. This can be done in every parish. When you are willing to do the ridiculous, God will do the miraculous.
Scary stuff.
This is what my prayer at mass is almost every time- that my children keep the faith. It would break my heart if I lost even one of them. Parenting is a fearful business.
As you say, the community aspect is so important. And I think that what we will need to get it back is deliberateness. Most of us cant just stay where we are and move closer to whatever parish we happen to be in. I think it will require much more organization and deliberate action on the part of those of us who see the problem.
I hope the Catholic Land Movement takes off.
The issue you describe with the lack of community is a key contributor to the loss of our children. They dont see that they have left a community, they see themselves just going with the flow of the secular community we have raised them in. At that point it becomes our (parents) fault when they turn away from Christ. The milstone is around our neck at that point. Sobering stuff.
David, spot on with being deliberate. Moving closer to a parish only enables you to get involved more, make friendships, establish community centered around Christ and His Church, but it doesn’t do it for you.
We live in a solid diocese and I discerned that my children’s faith would be better served in public schools.
My wife was a sub at an elementary Catholic school and she was appalled at the absence of prayer in the classroom and even in the cafeteria. As a matter of fact, except for a short prayer before the teachers left their lounge to the classrooms, she had the impression that no teacher led the class in prayer throughout the day. This is not what a Catholic school should be and it’s not that different from a secular school.
Therefore I concluded that the conflict with the secular culture at public schools would be better to deal with as a struggle between the people of God and the heathens than with the hypocrisy of a school that only pays lip service to Catholicism, for I considered that the scandal is more harmful than temptation. Scandal muddles the notions of right and wrong and puts the faith in question; temptation puts the faith to the test and affirms right and wrong. In other words, while scandal smothers conscience, temptation arouses it.
Now that the schools in the area can count on the help of Dominican sisters, I hope that they live the Catholicism that they are expected to. But a decade ago they didn’t.
Yes the Dominicans there now are rock-solid and no doubt are transforming the schools they are in. But you are right about many Catholic schools, and in particular this friend of mine whose child left the Faith was hurt by very mean acts of Catholic classmates.
Very interesting take, Augustine. Although I am against public schools to the extreme, I can’t fault you for your choice, and indeed the choice seems wise if you were only given the two options mentioned (Catholic or public).
Your wife’s Catholic school seemed to be an “inoculation” against “catching” the faith. They give just enough pretence of being Catholic to ensure the students will never grow to be strong Catholics because of the bad witness the school gives.
On the other hand, in the public school, the battle lines are clearly drawn and the evil is blatent. This forces the student to choose clearly where he stands. Though perhaps not ideal (I would suggest homeschooling as the top tier option), your choice shows a lot of wisdom.
Indeed, if I were raising children (mine are already adults), my first choice would be homeschooling, but I’m afraid that it wouldn’t be my wife’s. Yet, I try to drop seeds about homeschooling at my kids when they become parents. For even if the culture of death in public schools forces one to take sides, it’s not without risks.
Thanks for the kind words.
Devin, I’m sure you’re aware that there are considerable variations between Conservative and more liberal Mennonites. I am sure that your intriguing agrarian vision would carry a considerable resonance for many Mennonites. There are certainly points of contact between your perspective and say, Guy Hershberger’s agrarian economics. Then again, there is also common ground between 1st generation Anabaptism and Benedictine husbandry. There were many Anabaptist leaders of that generation from former monastic backgrounds.
I cannot say for sure what kind of welcome you would receive. We have connections to the Lancaster Mennonite Conference. I suspect you would find a positive response there. Here in London our small Mennonite congregation has a close partnership with the Catholic Worker, around an urban soup kitchen.
As for me, I’m a candidate for the world’s least practical man but did live for a time in three Anabaptist intentional communities. The last was situated on a windy rural smallholding in Wales. I miss the place greatly and learned so much about a pace of life and quality of community that was corporately eloquent. Peace be with you and your homestead!
I pray that the Lord will keep these youth in the promise of their baptisms.
It is a myth that our wills are “free” when it comes to choosing God. He chooses us. And one of the ways that He does this is in our Baptisms. People ought remind these young people of the wonderful that God has done for them in their baptisms. That Word of promise may just get through to them, by the grace of God.
Steve Martin said:
“It is a myth that our wills are “free” when it comes to choosing God. He chooses us.”
Actually what you just said is a myth. Although any movement toward God we make was and is and will be made possible only by His grace, we can resist that grace. And I speak as a former Calvinist who knows what irriesistible grace and limited atonement mean. Although there is a narrow sense in which your statement can conform to orthodox teaching of the Church, I am assuming you mean it in a way that supports the heresy of limited atonement. But hey, I understand. If left to myself, I would still believe the “doctrines of grace” (T.U.L.I.P.). That is what made the most sense to me and seemed to make the most sense of all the various biblical passages concerning free will and God’s grace. But then again, Arius makes pretty good sense too of the various biblical passages concerning the divinity of Christ and the Trinity. In the end, when we have a disputed interpretation and we do as Christ instructed and “take it to the Church”, we need to listen to the Church and not our own opinons. This is why I am Catholic.
“And one of the ways that He does this is in our Baptisms.”"
Yes, thank goodness God gives us salvation and justification through our baptism, and does not leave our salvation up to chance. As Peter says, we are truly saved through baptism.
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David,
To say that we have some role to play in affecting our own salvation, is to make ourselves into little gods.
“Free-will”, when it comes to choosing God, is a myth.
This explains it much better than I could:
http://theoldadam.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/i-believe-that-i-cannot-believe.mp3
Thanks.
Well, it is your interpretation of scripture against the Church Steve. The choice is clear to me.
If you can show me the apostolic credentials of your teachers, I would be glad to continue with you and listen to the audio you present. If you can’t present such credentials, then you have built your house on the sand.
I am going to graduate from a ‘catholic’ high school in Canada this year. I would have much preferred a public school. I think the powers that be have forgotten why there are catholic schools in the first place. I’ve grown in my faith in spite of my education, not because of it.
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Salvation is a mystery. We do have free wills to choose Him or not. Yes it is scary. But I can see the part of our work in our sanctifaction is a great mystery too. We do all we can for our children and then we place them in God”s hands. There is no other way. We cannot will or work them into Heaven. God uses our suffering in all this freedom as a means not just for their salvation but for our sanctification. This is the greatest suffering and transition for us parents: to trust Him.
Secondeve, thanks for your comment. I agree: there is no magical formula to make your children Catholic or keep them Catholic. We can propose but not impose. Ideally we can propose the Faith to them in all its beauty, truth, and goodness, and do these other things that represent our small part in God’s work of their salvation and vocation.
You don’t need to live like Amish to have Catholic culture and community. Living close by also doesn’t mean that you will have a “community”. Community is built around the same goal, same spirituality.
I am really amazed that there are not many Catholic movements present in the US, or that no many people are participating in them. Neocatechumenat, Focolare, Charismatics, Opus Dei, Emmanuel, family groups etc… This is how European Catholicism is surviving right now. It’s not the thousand years old cathedrals, and gregorian chants that bring people to Christ, but other believers who live and serve with you, show you how to live and how to grow in the Lord.
Catholics in the US are to busy and parish programs are not working. To build a community you need one purpose, commitment and time.
Thanks iwka,
You are right that community doesn’t “just happen” by living together. It takes work, and commitment, and a shared spirituality or goal. I think that that *can* happen at a parish and have seen it, but the ecclesial movements you mentioned are a powerful way to come together with Catholics who share your same charism/
I’ve been involved with Opus Dei before and Regnum Christi. With Regnum Christi, I got burned a bit, not because I was treated badly or anything like that, but just due to the shame of the Maciel scandal.
While I agree that a parish program per se doesn’t work, a parish can foster a vibrant parish *culture*, which could involve many activities and programs and even the very parish grounds itself that make it a destination for families. My old parish has a baseball field, a community health clinic, and a perpetual adoration chapel, in addition to the church building itself.
Thanks also for your insights into how Catholicism is surviving (as a remnant) in Europe!
I think we need to be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that if we work REALLY hard and do EVERYTHING we can to nurture the Catholic faith in our children that they’re going to automatically stick with it as adults. There’s a lot that goes on in our children’s lives that we aren’t aware of and they’ll withhold their thoughts from us if they know we’ll disapprove of them – the same as we did with our parents. Perhaps this young man needs the freedom to make his own choice about what he believes in and he’s walking away from the Church as a way of doing that. If the parents treat him as an adult and respect his decision the chances are that eventually – and probably after some missteps along the way – he’ll return to the Church and he’ll be a Catholic again, but now it will be because HE wants it; not because his parents want it. The best thing to do, imho, – besides praying for him – is to silently witness to the faith by being kind and loving towards him.
Annie, welcome to my blog and thanks for this comment. I agree; people have free will and have to make their own decision whether they will accept God’s grace or reject it.
I think the phenomena in our society in general, but also in the Catholic church, that every person is an island unto himself has taken hold. There are exceptions, of course, and I am pleased to say that my family and I have seen them in our home parish and in our new parish (we relocated for my job). On the flip side, some of the “island” mentality resides in my own family and I am witnessing my own 19 y/o daughter looking at other churches and not coming to Mass with us anymore. It is distressing and hurtful to watch, I pray that she comes back home to Rome….and soon!
Agreed, Confederate. I hope that we can figure out how to become interdependent on one another in a positive way: not a commune that violates the boundaries of the family but also not individual islands where we imagine ourselves insulated from others.
BTW, if you daughter is a reader or values logic, she may appreciate my book If Protestantism is True. It’s only $2.99 on Kindle/Nook/Apple/Sony.
God bless,
Devin
Thanks for the tip. I will have to look for “old fashioned” books.
I don’t know what’s in her head…she’s been like this since we moved here (to Florida) saying the parish is too big, etc.
Her boyfriend is Presbyterian, and to his credit, he went to Mass with us quite a few times, and I don’t see him as forcing her out of the Church since his family doesn’t go every week to their own church, so I guess it’s something she’s trying to work out.
You might suggest that she and her boyfriend read the book together and discuss it. A friend of mine and her Protestant fiance (now husband) did that. Here’s the link to the paperback: http://www.amazon.com/If-Protestantism-True-Reformation-Meets/dp/0615445306/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337632880&sr=8-1
God bless,
Devin
I’ve ordered it and will have it Friday. She graduates from HS on 6/4 so I’ll give it to her as a gift.
Godspeed and may Christ bless her with the grace to remain in Him.
CP,
Does her having a protestant boyfriend seem like part of the problem to you? I really don’t know about your situation, but if one of my kids even started to consider “dating” a protestant, I would immediately know they no longer or perhaps never did consider the Eucharist the source and summit of our faith. They aware that nothing is more important than Christ, so if some girl or boy already seems more important than the Eucharist, then they have already turned. One major issue in the Church today is mixed marriages. It is similar to children born out of wedlock. Both are symptoms of deeper problems but their consequences only increase the deeper problem. Mixed marriages only lead to a more mixed up understanding of Christ and His Church.
I should say tend to increase the problem, not “only” lead to a deeper problem. A small percentage make it in those less than desirable situations.
I find your comparison between the villain Magneto and modern culture particularly apt. One of the things I’ve always liked about Magneto is that his motivations are complicated and, in the end, predicated on a moral idea: he wants to protect his “people” (mutants) from persecution. The trouble is not with the principle (indeed, his nemesis, Charles Xavier, shares these goals), but with the means he uses to that end. Similarly, modern culture and the Church have similar goals (such as the emancipation of women), but modern culture pursues them in a morally unacceptable manner (promoting abortion, contraception, etc.).
Very good point Rob!
Thank you. BTW, I just downloaded the sample of your book onto my iPad. I look forward to reading it and seeing if I want to pay for the rest.
I am one of those guys that left the Church when I got the chance to. I’m back now, thanks be to God! Grateful as I am, I have a tangles mess to clean up, with so many years of neglect. To top it off, I now have a son that isn’t too interested in heeding his father’s council.
For me, the great frustration was in that the form of redemption was set; settled. I could not see how my particular (and pride-filled ) situation fit in with a one size fits all program. I could not admit that my situation was not unique. That offended my pride; my narrow self conception. So stubborn.
That I am back is because God wanted me back, even in so deplorable a state. That he wanted me back is in no small part because others prayed fervently for my salvation. Thanks be to God!
Darren, so so glad you have returned to Christ and His Church–that gives us hope! As a former atheist, I can totally see how the appearance of “one-size-fits-all-redemption” offended your pride. Funny how we can work.
My hope is that my young friend does not go off into the swamps for too long and harm themselves before realizing they need Jesus.
God bless,
Devin
For long time Mormon morals were about the same as Catholic morals. I think the Mormons caved in on birth control around 1990. Most people know what that lead to for the Protestants, after they caved in on artificial birth control in 1930. In an article I read by Father Longnecker, he points out that a lot of Mormons admit that the source of their theology is bogus, but that they claim that the theology is sound, so that it doesn’t matter that the source is bogus. However, their theology is bogus, also. God is that being whose essence is His existence. Mormon neither admit nor understand that statement.
One of my cousins left the faith because of the attack of today’s culture. He now calls himself an agnostic. I wish his family had given him a well grounded faith formation.
In the military, stationed overseas I found much more COMMUNITY in our parishes; we lived close to one another (in the barracks or in family housing). We saw each other frequently. We even knew who was a practicing Catholic and who was not. And our priests saw us frequently, as we saw them. Not just weekly for a few seconds.
The good news is that person’s story isn’t over yet. There is always hope in Jesus. At one point in my own family 4 of 5 of my parent’s kids were away from the sacraments. There were all kinds of issues; drugs, sex, living together unmarried, children out of wedlock, etc. We were all raised in Catholic schools but there were too many negative influences. My faithful parents prayed and prayed and today, 15 years later, we are all faithful practicing Catholics. The one who got into drugs in high school is about to be ordained a priest. God is merciful and respects our free will but never gives up on us. Thank God for that. I figure we stack the odds in our favor by homeschooling, etc., but if they use their free will to turn from God, we keep praying and loving them. Our parenting job is never done until we are all safe in heaven.
Hey Devin…I would take this one step beyond Catholicism and suggest it includes other Christian traditions who are serious about their Christian faith but also very influenced by this post-modern culture we live in. I think of the well-known Jonas Brothers, evangelical to the core, chastity rings on hand, and of course home-schooled by their Assemblies of God parents. Perfect kids, right?
But at the same moment those parents were giving them this supposedly strong foundation in the Bible and the Faith as they understood it, they were also giving those young kids a totally different message by allowing them to travel extensively, see the world in ways even most adults do not ever do by being constantly on stage, screamed at and adulated by young girls and a few guys as well, and the youngest one, Nick, was in his first Broadway or off-Broadway play when he was 7 or so.
Now, surprise, surprise, the oldest one is married, which is fine, but the younger two are making it very clear that nudity is not off of their radar and the chastity rings are long gone. Joe Jonas just finished a tour with Britney Spears and she did a public lap dance on stage for him, or on him, whatever way it must be said. Nick, the youngest, said that he would happily do nude scenes if the occasion arises. And you can bet it will.
I am not saying this to condemn the young men–they are products of the culture and the mixed messages they were raised with by loving but ambitious parents. But I have to wonder out loud how that dad and mom, who were so careful to raise them with all of this supposed protection from the world, were so willing to allow them to be exposed and exploited to that same world so young? I think sometimes we miss the forest for the trees. Mom and dad Jonas might as well not have wasted their money on chastity rings for the boys if they were going to throw them to the wolves at the same time. Then again I suspect the whole family is living large by now, parents included. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, the sin is on the part of secret wishes to live vicariously through children rather than channeling their talents towards the Kingdom of God. Again not judging, just saying this is to me an obvious example of a certain blindness that “success” can bring.
I wonder how many times those of us who are more “average” do the same thing to our precious young ones in other ways though? We take them to church or Mass, get them into youth group or Catholic school, and then look the other way when they begin to stop going to Mass or confession and onward? It seems to me that, as long as that child is under my roof, he or she needs to attend church with me, no questions asked, and not allow to bring home dates for overnight visits. But Christians, Catholic and otherwise, do so all of the time, especially once that young person hits the magic age of 18 or so. We cannot force Faith upon anyone–but we can have standards.
I also know another strongly Christian family who allowed a 21 year old young man to live or board at their house so he could work with the dad. The parents were naively trying to help out this young man who had been to Bible College and was quite the respectable gent or so they thought. The daughter of course ended up pregnant. How could they not know what kind of occasion of sin they were setting up for their own daughter? Or did they care? I just don’t know. Call me old and grumpy but I do not get it.
Sadly, orthodox Catholics have little in common with the “feel good” baby boomers who have overrun our parishes. Sure, there are exceptions. How often have any of you REALLY heard something substantial during a sermon? And does the elderly guy at daily Mass wearing board shorts and flip flops or the woman who is consistently late to Mass really take all this Catholic stuff seriously? I doubt it. Still, it’s a nice social event for the retirees. All old people at daily Mass are holy……….aren’t they?
This is interesting to me. I come from different situation, different culture and tradition. Still having unending economic problems and sometimes problems in religion freedom, but here in Indonesia, we do share the same problem: built a Community; I rather say, built ‘The Community’ (we idealized).
I have seen some faithful families that can not understand why their sons or daughters left the Faith. Some returned, and some become preachers against the Faith in whatever religion they believe in. I don’t want to explain. I just want to share my opinion, as a young man born in 80′s. Is that choice of leaving the Faith their ‘free will’? Which means the parents’ fault? I think it’s more complicated. Complicated, for maybe I have a different understanding of these terms. But I believe, It’s one’s choice, our families and (Catholic) Community’s responsibility, and His will. We all have part, and He arranged all.
My teacher once said, generally in the Eastern here we have no free wills that are really free. Our ‘free’ wills shaped by our environment, society, culture, neighbors, family and personal habits, etc. Even one’s minds (the ways of thinking and living) are shaped by all of the information we received. We all can affect someone, but it’s one’s choice that makes it personal decision. That’s free: to ‘choose’ the best as one can choose in every situation. Not every one of my age-even me-can always choose the best as our parents see, but still I think that’s the best one can choose in his particular situation.
That is the reason the Community have the responsibility: to share The Tradition as best as they can, so that every young man and woman can choose from the best! And what’s a Community? It’s an assembly of families, centered in Christ within the Church. We are called a community, not just for having the same faith, but also for having it communicated, no matter the distance or the differences we have. We, the youth here, usually understand communication as technology, gadgets, internet; information, but a communication is a formation as well. We truly communicate in our community if our communication forms us to be better; whether it is in a digital or even in a real life-just like this dialog. It is a whole life process full of faith, hope and love; full of achievements and fails; of a person, a family or a community as well. The real Community will be built when He came back at the end of the world.
I read in the Bible, Paul himself struggled this matter in each letters he wrote. I think, Jesus too will agree because He dealt with The Apostles, i.e. Judas the Traitor and Peter once denied Him. It means, this is a problem faced by The Church everywhere, in every generation. He will not let us down. Amen