Dear girls, if you are single and feel called to marriage and are waiting for your husband, it’s tough. Devin and I searched for each other for many years, praying and longing, and we desire to offer to each of you what we have learned. My nifty husband has been pounding the message home to single young men, so it’s my turn now to speak to the ladies. Oh, girls, you are so very precious!
The most important aspect of preparing for your husband is becoming the saint Our Lord has made you to be. We covered that one last week in the post, “Why You Need Jesus.” The wonderful thing, however, is that as you become closer to Jesus, you will also become more deeply human. Grace builds on nature, St. Thomas Aquinas tells us, and our humanity is enlivened and made radiant as we cooperate with grace. So, how can we be more deeply human in our feminine ways?
In this edition of The Right Stuff, let’s focus on what you read and watch.
Don’t read things that are “emotional pornography”, namely those works that treat men as objects for our infatuation and gratification. Examples of emotional pornography are Harlequin romance novels and the like, you know, those novels that are often on display near grocery store check-out lines, the ones with half-dressed women swooning in the arms of a very muscled man. The same goes for Cosmo magazine and company, as well as television shows like “Sex and the City” and most romantic comedies. Such movies and books fill the female mind with very unrealistic expectations about men. They steal our focus from the work of knowing the Other (our future husband) and turn what will be the greatest and most difficult friendship of your life into a dreamy mess of infatuated fantasies. You are too smart to get caught up with such deceptive fluff.
Ooh, they even have NASCAR romance novels. Hubbah hubbah.
I have been repeatedly surprised during the 5 years of my married state to realize that Devin cannot read my mind. He does not think like I do, which is strange because all my friends do. In fact, he is so very different that I have often turned to books to understand him. Good books. These are the right books on which you can spend your time as a single woman. First, Sacred Scripture–Proverbs 31, Song of Solomon, etc. Also, Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus. The works of our beloved John Paul II–Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body. Edith Stein’s Essays on Woman. Jane Austen’s delightful witticisms. Kimberly Hahn. Wendy Shalit. Dr. Laura. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it is a great start. These books contain authentic facts about the masculine mind and offer realistic expectations for a healthy married relationship. So put a little honey in your tea and sit down for an afternoon of good reading; your future husband is worthy of your time.
Who is he really?
Heck, nearly ten years together, Elizabeth and I still cannot read each others minds. Never will. Like you said, we think differently.
Dr. Laura is the worst recommendation possible. Her erratic behavior as a radio personality, her racist epithets (2010, use of the “N” word repeatedley), and her demeaning ideas about women’s roles in the home and outside of it make her a horrendous suggestion. Thanks, but no thanks.
O,
Perhaps you need to leave political correctness behind and read what she intends to convey. The N word doesn’t make a racist but is intended to awaken the real person in people to reality, not some artificially constructed reality made by those who want to control all that you think and do,(liberals). I hope you break free and truely see.
Daniel
Dear O, nice to meet you. It sounds like you quite disagree with my recommendation of Dr. Laura. Fair enough. She is the only author I listed who I have not read personally. Her book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” has been highly recommended to me, but I cannot personally vouch for it. I will be more careful next time to only list authors who I know are solid.
Grace and peace, dear one.
I did read it and it has some good stuff in it. Dr. Laura may have other issues but her book is worth a read for someone who has a Christian perspective as a practical guide.
I haven’t read her book either, and I’ve even enjoyed listening to her on the radio a couple times, but–wow–the title does not fill me with confidence. Explicitly treats husbands as pets–things that can be useful and pleasant provided they are handled correctly and well-trained. I’m sure it’s tongue-in-cheek, etc., etc., but see Beware the Habit of Irony, and think, Would this still seems funny or cute if the shoe were on the other foot?
Sorry to pile-on–you did just half-distance yourself from the recommendation.
I have read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, and it is an excellent book. Excluding the Gloria Steinem-types, women who read this are very positive about it.
In reference to her use of the “N” word on her show, she was not “using” the word, but rather making a point about those who do use it.
O,
I thought the same thing when I read the recommendation. I would strongly suggest to you and fellow readers to check out Dr. Alice Von Hildebrand… She’s truly amazing.
Rachel
It would help to read novels by Ernst Hemingway for a woman to understand man’s mind too, or the male beaten path. I say this because men easily identify with his characters and recognize in them the same tendencies and way of looking at the world and at women. Hemingway, IMO, captures the male mind as no other author did. And understanding our mind helps to understand our traits and the pitfalls we often fall into. For as much as grace builds on nature, so do temptations.
Interesting. I enjoyed reading Hemingway in high school. I will have to re-visit his novels.
Thanks for this, Katie. Men are always surprised that women are surprised that we cannot read your minds. Neither men nor women are generally very good at dealing with that. But there are good ways to deal with it, once people get past being surprised and offended by what should be obvious.
Best,
Mike
Such a nice post to follow the ones to Catholic guys out there. I just recently entered full communion with the Catholic Church but I have been married for 9 years and even though my husband and I think alike much of the time, he still can’t read my mind. And even thought my daughter is only 3, I am focusing on open and honest communication with her and with her friends. More young people need to focus on being honest with one another than with playing romantic games.
Thanks for this Katie! And readers, this is the first of a three-part series from Katie (as soon as she has time to write the rest of it).
Oh I love this post!
I couldn’t agree more! I can’t count the times I’ve thought, “Seriously, all my friends think so much like me, yet the wonderful man I married is SO different!” 
Also, I was definitely a woman who HAD to give up the romantic comedies. Well, on a philisophical level I took issues with them (for starters, how many RomComs these days glorify cheating on a spouse or partner “in the name of love/destiny/chemistry”???). But I also had to give it up because it really was emotional porn for me… feeding a notion about love and relationships that did not exist and was super unhealthy.
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The Edith Stein recommendation was a bit odd… So a long-partnered lesbian has a lot to tell us about women and relationships? Then maybe all this Catholic stuff about complementarity, etc. is bunk! Just sayin’…
Link please. I happen to have taken a graduate level course on Ms. Stein’s life and works, have had email correspondance with her biographer (Sarah Borden), own and have read MacIntyre’s biography on her, and have yet to read about your accusation (picked through her biography again this morning). Just sayin’…
Plus, even if before her conversion she lived in such a lifestyle (which I don’t know), that would not disqualify her. St. Augustine hored around before his conversion, and I think that does not disqualify him.
I think it’s “whored,” but the point is well taken.
Thanks c matt
I, too, though I own several books by Edith Stein and have read the biography on her by Waltraud Herbstrith, and was involved with the Secular Carmelites for a while, have yet to hear any such allegation, and disbelieve it. When I run a search, I find nothing like that, but on the contrary a homosexual blog saying there is nothing to connect Edith Stein with “gay and lesbian Catholics.” Also, she became a cloistered nun. There is absolutely nothing in her life or writings that suggests she experienced same-sex attraction, on the contrary.
Is there some confusion going on between Edith Stein & Gertrude Stein?
That’s my hunch, Elizabeth. But even worse is how a good post like this can so easily be obscured by controversy over a non-existent scandal. The Devil loves that.
Are you referring to Edith Stein (Saint Teresia Benedicta of the Cross)? or some other person?
Dear ones, the Edith Stein to whom I refer is also known as St. Theresa Benedicta of the Cross. I have never heard that she struggled with same-sex attraction, nor that she engaged in such activity before her conversion to Christianity. I do hope that her incredible insights into the metaphysics of woman are not obscured by this conversation.
Does this mean “Magic Mike” is out for the weekend? Shoot!
Loved this post – looking forward to the others.
Even if Edith Stein (St. Terese Benedicta of the Cross) did struggle with SSA, it wouldn’t invalidate her amazing work or conversion to the Catholic faith, I don’t believe. You can’t read Edith Stein’s works and deny the woman was a Saint. She was amazing, and her Sainthood is official. If she’s good enough for canonization, she’s “good enough” for us to read! But I highly, highly doubt that this is true anyway (I really think there is confusion here over another Stein… .
Loved your article—but I do have to agree with some other posts—be careful of DR Laura. While I’ve listened to her and read some of her books, she gives some advice I would not recommend. The racist element aside, she advises couples to use pornography as a means to spice up the relationship. I thought that it was good, innocent advice. I could not have been more wrong. I have begun the best journey of my life in coming back to the Catholic Church and am very weary of writers outside of the church. The impramateur is my gold standard.
I have read Dr. Laura’s books “10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives” as well as “10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives”. I highly recommend both. I haven’t listened to her in years, but the advice in these books is great!
I do agree that John Grey’s “Men/Mars/Women/Venus” books offer a good way to make yourself aware of the different ways that men and women think and communicate. I do think a world of caution is needed though in recommending his books. One of his books starts off with a story about him asking his wife for permission to have an affair. While his thesis is good, the points he uses to illustrate it can be lacking at times.
One ofthe best quotes I have heard regarding finding your spouse, came from Fr. Thomas Morrow from the Archdiocese of Washington (DC). “Don’t marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can’t live without.” He produced a series of talks on tape called, “Christian Dating in an Oversexed World.” I highly recommend listening to the series.
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