Fr. David Konderla
…no one ever said, it would be this hard.
My posts offering suggestions to single Catholic guys got a great response, both supportive and constructively critical. I think that Sam brought up a powerful counterpoint to my optimism when he said:
A great many of Catholic men or women will live their entire lives feeling called to marriage and never enter it. They will have been open to youth groups, volunteering, Church-going, adoration, asking friends/relatives for help, praying, trusting, etc… The whole gamut. They will have done all the “things” their married Catholic peers did with different results. Many would be just as “good” or better spouses as their married peers are. They will face various burdens or circumstances or trials that, for whatever reason, prevented the other gender from receiving them in marriage….They will ever in this life yearn for the sacrament they will never receive. Such will be the lot of some Catholics.
Only through the eyes of faith could they even begin to accept the suffering as something God wills them to bear––that they have been given the desire for the sacrament along the cross of its deprivation. And it doesn’t matter what they “do.” If it should please God that they remain in such suffering, no prayer or movement or condition can overturn it.
And I would say: Amen to that.
I recall my long years being single. Many days were spent in loneliness. My roommates would go visit their families on the weekends or during holidays, and I would have nowhere to go. So I’d sit in our apartment and read or play a video game or whatever.
I had spent two years considering the priesthood. I visited several religious orders, went on Come and See weekends, and to the diocesan vocations retreats. I ate lunch at the Serra club and attended Project Andrew with the bishop.
One day near the end of this period in my life, a priest friend of mine, Fr. David Konderla, asked me a powerful question: “How is God calling you to love?”
Have I been made to love one person in an exclusive relationship (marriage) or to give my love to a wider group of people (priesthood, loving the members of my parish or community)?
That question stuck with me, and as I reflected on it, I came to realize I was called to love one person in an exclusive sort of way. I was called to marriage. But God knew that I needed many years of deeper formation and growth, both at the natural and supernatural levels. So did my future wife.
But, contrary to some comments made on the other post, I did not spend all my time trying to find my wife. I spent it working a full-time job, going to daily Mass, adoration, St. Vincent de Paul, leading a boys’ group, being a Big Brother, and teaching CCD. In short, I was living my Catholic faith and loving it.
And through that long and sometimes lonely time, I was growing closer to Christ by His grace. It was good. But it was hard. Hard to work on faults; hard to maintain hope for entering into my vocation; hard to live in our fragmented and isolating American society.
All this to say to you: I get it. I know the heartache and frustration and longing and doubting. And I had it relatively easy. Others, friends of mine, have had it much tougher: annulments, single-parenthood, years and years without entering into their vocation: people who feel called to be priests but for various reasons are forbidden from it; people who feel called to marriage but haven’t been brought together with their spouse yet.
So I can only say: God bless you, in whatever state of life you are in, and whatever your hopes in Christ are. Our Lord is our ultimate fulfillment, and we live for Him always!
“Our Lord is our ultimate fulfillment, and we live for Him always!”
Amen!
And even when we don’t always live for Him…He lives for us!
Amen Steve.
“Others, friends of mine, have had it much tougher: annulments, single-parenthood, years and years without entering into their vocation: people who feel called to be priests but for various reasons are forbidden from it; people who feel called to marriage but haven’t been brought together with their spouse yet.”
And this is where we need to understand and be careful how we use the word “vocation.” The Church sacramentalizes two vocations: Holy Orders, and Marriage. But to participate in neither is not, I don’t think, the same as “not entering into their vocation.” (Presuming right relationships here: with Christ, with the Church, with oneself – versus a secular, single lifestyle). And I’m guessing that is not what you are intending to say. Many of us are even older than you ;-p and have actively discerned/pursued religious life and the married life. And yet we are still alone. We are not part of a religious community, and we are not married. The key, I think, is to be happy where God has placed me by trusting in Him completely. I can either be miserable and wish I were married, or I could long for marriage and be happy while I live with what and where God has placed me today. (And every new day is “today.”) The single life is what God has called me to live. Today. That may change, but until it does I will attempt to live it authentically, and joyfully, with the knowledge that I just might do a little happy dance should God provide me an opportunity for marriage
. Your commenter above speaks wise words.
Trish I responded before reading your comment, but all I can say is “amen and amen” to your good words. And I do think Devin really does “get it.” God bless you and your path to holiness. That is our vocation, no matter what our present situation. And it is not easy for any.
Thanks Richard! In the interest of not boring other readers by repeating a comment, I will direct you to a reply I made to Michael below. Cheers!
In my opinion, the single life is not a vocation distinct from the baptismal vocation in general. Every Christian has the latter; marriage and holy orders are just sacramental means of living out the baptismal vocation. But those who are not called to such means still have the baptismal vocation to live out in their circumstances. So I agree that it would be wrong to say that people whom God wants to remain single lack a vocation. They have the baptismal vocation.
That said, I think it’s pretty clearly true that some single people do have a vocation to either marriage or or consecrated life, such as that of clergy or vowed religious. Many eventually attain such a vocation, and some do not.
Devin–I wish to thank you for sharing this post today. I think, for most of us, no matter which vocation we choose or in some cases have foisted upon us, the “grass is greener” tends to become our mantra at times.
I have shared personally with you in the past about my own frustration with returning to the Church divorced, “past my prime,” and recognizing a lot of wasted years behind me. Because of my own background of SSA (same-sex attraction) I will not re-marry, and the very same year I returned to Rome the Church tightened up on her willingness to allow those from my former lifestyle to become priests. Not saying I would have done so, but it was at least a “maybe” in my mind, having been in the ministry and, at a much earlier stage of life, having been very drawn to it as a possible vocation. Butboth of those doors, at least at present, are closed to me and most likely will remain so.
It would seem that no matter where I have attempted to “fit in” I somewhat fall through the cracks. That is not a complaint (not now) but a statement of life. I am not called to marriage, not to priesthood, would feel rightly ridiculous at Christian single mingling events, and equally so at most “men’s group” types of activities. In short I have many, many wonderful accquaintances and very few in my life who can or who wish to walk with me on a deeper level. Ironically, my parish started an “over 50s” group which sounds, theoretically, great, only to find that they meet or do activities during the weekdays when most of us are working! In reality it is a senior retirement group. Not a bad thing–but yet another place I do not fit.
I have learned to be comfortable enough in my own skin to be okay alone most of the time and use my time and efforts to grow in God and help others to grow as well, but that does not make it easy by any means. I am glad you get that. I think many (including me) out there needed the post you shared today, because I am far from the only man or woman in the Church who does not neatly fit into any of the “average or expected” vocations. Your words helped, both on a personal and big-picture level.
It gets tiresome at times to be called an “inspiration” by many but a friend by so few. Then again, that is what every priest, every family man, and every one of us in the “other” categories face, at least on some level. I hope you include a chapter on those who do not fit the molds for whatever reason in your book. Not all of us can chase the country to find friends or love.
Richard G. Evans, your story sounds very similar to mine, save that I’ve never had same-sex attraction. I too am one of those middle-aged, single Catholics who doesn’t seem to quite “fit in” anywhere. After two divorces and annulments, I have no desire to remarry; I’d love to become a priest, and had a clear opportunity to become one in Orthodoxy; but I could not make myself perform the act of intellectual dishonesty which would have been necessary for me to do that. And of course my chance of becoming a Catholic priest is little better than that of a snowball in hell, given that I’ll be paying child support till I’m almost 70.
All I can say for men like us at this point is that we must pray constantly and be ever alert for opportunities to see Christ in others and show him to others. I do that in my own ways. I’m sure you can too. Hang in there, brother.
Best,
Mike
I’m thinking that one of the ways we can continue to live out our baptismal vocation, as you aptly point out, is in interesting ways like these conversations. Among “friends” as it were, since we have a common interest in this blog and a common desire to live a life of holiness. We can support each other, and I would wager, were we in the same geographic locale, could be the kind of friends that could hang out without the baggage of seeking something further from a fountain that cannot give. In the meantime, I shall keep you and Richard in prayer. (Hope you see this Richard!)
This is so true. We live in a fallen world and not all will be able to fulfill the vocation to which their heart seems made for. I think of parelells with Saints who longed for the priesthood or religious life and could not enter (or were called to a vocation that utterly did not expect). I would say MOST of the time, God aligns your desires with his (long-term) plans. But SOME of the time, folks are called to carry the Cross of an unfulfilled vocational desire. I say “most of the time vs. some of the time” b/c I’ve often heard what I think is a false belief that God is somehow out to always trick or surprise us or “teach us some lesson” by haHA not giving us our desires! I think there is a lot more depth to God, and as a single it really, really frustrated me when time and again “encouragers” would give rare examples of people who felt called in one direction but ended up never going down that road. The reality is, God is not out to get us or simply “play opposite day” with us to be cute or prove anything… however, His ways *are* bigger than our ways and yes, we must accept that we don’t have all the answers and His plans may not always make sense to us. And yet, no matter what happens, God really does love us and want whats best for us and desire joy for us.
LOL – God playing opposite day. That’s too funny! (and I’m not being sarcastic). Yes, I agree – while I sometimes FEEL like God is playing “I’ve got a secret,” or “stump the chump” with me, I have to remember that while God is indeed having fun (by that I mean, truly enjoying me and my life which He has loved into being) it is good clean fun and I usually just sit back and go along for the ride.
Trish – lol, and I agree that God is having fun, but not at our expense!
I think it applies to after one enters into a specific vocation too. Some days, it feels like God played “opposite day” in pairing my hubby with me!! But He’s got bigger, better plans than that! 
Sarah, I’m reminded of St Gerard Majella who wanted to become a priest but God had other plans…
I sometimes wish that I was called to the religious life because it beats the lonliness of singledom. Yourself, Trish et al make good points but I am having a hard time grappling with God knowing me so well and wanting my happiness YET having me in a state of singledom which does not make me happy! Sorry, I had to say it and I also get that I may have come across slightly indulgent and immature but it’s the truth.
I was restless when I was not practising Catholic and now I feel like I’m restless, being Catholic. Sigh.
*parallels
Trish, Mike, Devin, all…thanks for each of your encouragement and especially for Devin in sharing this “other aspect” to what is an oft-neglected issue. I shared with him privately that I personally get hung up sometimes on being TOO comfortable being alone. And that is something we “permanent singles” need to watch out for I believe. We fit in the Church but in a different box than those who are either called to religious life or marriage. We are the group that is “left over.” And that is NOT really true–but it can feel that way at times. Something I plan to blog about soon (shameless plug!) is a word that came to me just yesterday–which was not to take a “back seat” when I already have a “front seat…” In other words make less assumptions about whether I “belong” or not and just go forward as if I do–because usually I do–and so do each of you. We just all belong in different ways. But we need each other. And yes I think each of you would be wonderful to hang with sometime. Perhaps the day will come. God love and bless each of you. Great post. Timely.
Great post Devin, it really touched my heart.
I really enjoy your blog Devin. I fear this is going to happen to me. I am 31 and although I have dated, have never been in a true romantic relationship. One guy in my life told me that he was in love with me (which I know is not the same thing as saying he loved me) so I feel very distressed about the whole thing. I realize that not all who want to marry will marry. And it is very hard to see people in my life have the things that I desperately want (especially those who didn’t do things the “right” way). I am always happy for the blessings of others and rejoice with them for God’s favor, but I often feel left out. I am not perfect but I don’t think I’m any less ready for marriage than anyone else. Yet, it doesn’t come to pass.
I have cultivated a very independent spirit over the years because instead of sitting at home, I’m living life and essentially dating myself–vacations, dinners, movies, shows, etc. I think this gives the impression that I don’t need anyone but I don’t believe in wallowing in self-pity (although I do have my moments). And lately, even doing any activity makes me acutely aware of how alone I really am. I plan to channel this energy/negativity into something positive and give give give! I want to start some regular (hopefully weekly) service activity.
Ultimately, my hope is in God. I used to think I could never find the kind of man I want (loves the Lord, CHASTE, intelligent, strong, a gentleman, etc) but through online dating websites, I know this caliber of Godly men exists! Although God hasn’t connected me to one of them yet, I can no longer in good faith say these guys aren’t out there. Singles (male and female) are in a very precarious position these days where we don’t know how much action to take versus resting/trusting God. I’m content to belong to one Catholic dating website at the moment and continue living life. I do believe God knows the ends of all of our stories and may He give us the graces to accept the challenges along the way. And if this desire for marriage is never filled, may He give them a double portion.
Bravo!
Pingback: God’s Playing Opposite Day Again | St. Joseph's Vanguard