I suffered from a social anxiety disorder for many years.
It developed within me as a cocksure atheist and stayed with me even after I became a Christian (first Protestant then Catholic). I can’t tell you how many times I pleaded with God to heal me of it, expecting or at least hoping that He would miraculously cure me of this affliction.
But He didn’t.
Like St. Paul, God allowed this thorn in my flesh to persist, even for years after I was baptized and then received the other sacraments. Could He have taken it away in the blink of an eye? Certainly. But He didn’t, and I can say that ordinarily He doesn’t do things like that, because they are not actually what is best for us.
Instead He came alongside me as I struggled with panic attacks, dread, and agoraphobia. He was there to help me face the fears, giving me grace at every point, even though I didn’t always accept it. And through the setbacks and victories, our Lord helped me to draw closer to Him, to the Church, and to other people. It was through the anxiety disorder that I became the man I am today.
I’ve now been a Christian for twelve years, and I still face what would be called disordered anxieties. The difference is that they do not have the stranglehold on me that they once did. This freedom, then, has not meant that I’ve been free of all fears, only that in Christ I have found my weakness is strength.
In the years since I first shared the story of my conversion from atheism, of which this anxiety disorder and depression were an important part, many people who have suffered similarly have privately contacted me. I feel a special kinship with them, because I can truly understand what they are going through. It is terrible. And hopefully I can offer to them some fellowship and compassion and hope for healing.
For me, this is experiential evidence of the Catholic teaching that grace builds on nature. It doesn’t abolish it or stand outside of it. Instead, God heals and fortifies our wounded nature with His grace, to fashion us (with our cooperation) into the beautiful creatures He made us to be.
God bless you!
I have also suffered with anxiety disorder for many years. It is a real trial few people are capable of understanding.
Micah, thank you for commenting and sharing that you too have suffered from this scourge. It really is so hard to explain what it is like to someone who has not at least in a small way experienced it.
A bit of levity: I once told my psychologist that I’d be interested in joining some support groups for people with social anxiety disorder but they don’t exist because everyone is too fearful to join one!
LOL at the joke that is hilarious because it is true! Thank you for being honest. I’m sending it on to others I know will appreciate it!
Thanks Laura! I kept my sense of humor even during the worst times of anxiety disorder and depression. My psychologist didn’t laugh at it though; I think she probably had trained herself not to, or to expect such self-deprecating jokes from her clients.
“He who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion.”
Even when we aren’t so serious about cooperating with God, He is serious about finishing in us what He has started.
God bless you, Devin. May the Lord comfort you and encourage you and heal you.
Thanks Steve.
It takes great courage to admit what is a a terribly misunderstood but real condition. I have never had panic attacks as such but have had a generalized anxiety disorder for years. It is important to know that this is a chemical issue–those with it are not “crazy” or even particularly mentally unstable. But it can affect all of those areas. For me it was racing pulses for hours at a time and the inablity to eat–I lost 40 lbs in about 2 months before getting on to proper medication. Doctors, lawyers, ministers, all of the above have dealt with this issue in one form or another. Devin Rose you have helped me to say this out loud for the first time ever–I never have done so before. And you are correct, it can be horrible and debilitating. God often heals us gradually by giving us grace, and that is what He has done for me. No miracles, although they can happen, but for me it has been grace all the way. And I truly believe this condition, among many other things, helped lead me back to the Church. So while it has not been particularly fun, it has helped me to draw unto Christ in His fullness. I cannot complain about that.
Richard, I am glad you felt comfortable in sharing it here. And God bless you with this cross; it sounds like our Lord has worked good from it as well, in spite of the pain it has caused.
Devin your own courage gives courage to others, such as me…and perhaps my own sharing will help someone else as well too. God bless you in those sufferings you face. I just wanted you to know that I do understand, and it is clear to me that you do also. And these types of struggles are far more common than most people realize, precisely because people such as me have kept silent. No more.
I, too, have struggled with panic attacks; but now they only manifest themselves when I have to give a speech in front of people. I’m a high school teacher, and I never struggle with it when I’m in front of my students; but if I lector at church, I have to spend much time in prayer begging God for the strength to get through it. And you know what? It works every time.
David, thanks for commenting. Isn’t it strange that in front of certain groups of people we can feel comfortable but then other groups can incite panic in us? Thanks be to God though that through prayer our Lord has helped you face this fear and calmed you when lectoring.
Devin, thank you for bringing this up. One issue that caused me to begin looking outside of my evangelical neighborhood is this issue of the healing of our broken nature. Even when they do not fall for the ‘name it and claim it’ heresy, evangelicals tend to extoll the ‘victorious Christian life’. God does miraculously deliver some from various addictions and fears. Others have a long struggle, and the popular discussion of victory casts a shadow on the real difficulties that they face.
I appreciate the openness and honesty of those who own their struggles and have learned to be comfortable in their brokenness. Not comfortable as in ‘I’m ok, your ok’, but faith that there is forgiveness, and through struggle, God does bring healing. Having the sacraments as tangible means of grace looks very inviting, as well.
Blessings to you, brother.
Thank you George. Yes as an Evangelical, there was a certain pressure to overcome this disorder or otherwise conclude that my faith wasn’t strong enough (since the assumption was that God wanted to heal it). One good Evangelical friend of mine refused to take medicine when he needed it because “God can heal me of this/take this pain away if He wants to and my faith is strong enough.”
That attitude is not quite true in my opinion or very helpful. Someone with chronic pain can start blaming themselves for it and also avoid making use of those advances in medicine and technology that God has made possible and in many cases wants us to use.
The sacrament of anointing of the sick is a good example as well: Through it God always brings *spiritual* healing/reconciliation and sometimes He also brings *physical* healing. But not always; it’s up to Him whether it is best for the person or not to be physically healed.
My name is mike and I stumbbled on this web looking for help close to me about my social anxiety. I have suffered with it for long enough and I need help its getting worse the older I get. If anyone has any suggestion let me know please. My email is michaelleelove@hotmail.com
Thank you
Well I was searching the Internet for answers and I found that people are kind of accepting of the fact that Christians can have depression but anxiety is different. I feel like I am not understood. I have had a terrible anxiety disorder all of my life. But I didn’t find out that that was what my problem was until I was in my mid twenties. I have been fighting against it ever since. I am glad that I found out what was wrong with me because before that all I knew was that life was HELL. But now I understand why. I feel bad that I still have anxiety as a Christian. I work as much as I can but I receive a disability pension. I feel bad about that. But I can’t cope with working full time. I have a lot of things that I have to do (compulsions). Life is really hard. But I love God so much.
Dear Janice,
There is a stigma with having an anxiety disorder in many Christian circles. The (false) idea is that if you are a true believer in Jesus then you would not have these anxieties. Proof texts can be trotted out like “perfect love drives out fear,” which are true of course in their context but are unhelpful when applied as some Christians do.
Fact is there can be many factors involved in such disorders. Sure, there is a faith aspect, but also a psychological one, and a physical one, and so on. I am not a psychologist but highly recommend seeking a competent one to talk to. They can help in various ways and often medicine can help, too. I would also recommend talking to a competent, wise pastor. I’m Catholic so would look for a Catholic priest, but non-Catholic Christians also have many wise people who can help you understand possible spiritual components to what is going on.
God bless,
Devin
I am a christian and I suffer terribly from anxiety and depression. I believe that there will be a time that I’ll be on the other side of this. That’s what keeps me going. It’s very hard to explain to people who have never suffered from depression or anxiety the profound pain and torment it causes. I’ve been on my knees begging Jesus for help. There are times when I feel I’m better able to cope. I think Jesus gives me these reprieves to strengthen me for the next round. I struggle sometimes to understand why I can’t conquer this battle through reading my bible and praying. Sometimes I wonder if the Lord has forgotten about me or my sin has been too great for him to rescue me. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter who was truly a gift from God. She keeps me going. I used to be so strong. My anxiety and depression have definitely worsened over time as I’ve battled through a five year divorce proceeding from a very abusive man. I know God doesn’t approve of divorce so sometimes I wonder if I’m being punished. I wake up to extreme anxiety every morning. I used to pray that it would just stop. Now I pray for strength for just one day and I’m relieved when I’ve gotten through the day. Others have physical diseases that they struggle with. I guess this is my disease. God Bless all of you who struggle with this cruel enemy.
Susan,
My heart and prayers go out to you. I don’t know what denomination you are affiliated with, but I would recommend seeking professional help: wise spiritual directors (with emphasis on “wise,” and someone you would trust), and a psychologist or psychiatrist. Jesus does not expect us to just conquer things by ourselves (with our Bible and our prayers). That’s not a knock against the Bible or prayers–both are essential–but just that He helps us through others, too. Helps us realize things, understanding ourselves, overcome problems.
I’m no expert, but I have been close with people suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, people who have been abused in one way or another, and there can become an ingrained fight or flight response, surges in adrenaline that kick in when they shouldn’t due to the abuse suffered in the past. In any case, there are medicines that can help deal with the symptoms. The important thing is to realize it is not your fault and it is a cross that is heavy to bear. Jesus knows this and loves you and wants to help you with it, but it’s not your fault that it is hard to carry it.
Dear Devin,
Thank you for responding to my post. I’m really struggling and your words were very comforting and helpful. I attend a non-denominational church dedicated to following Jesus. It’s a wonderful church and very spirit filled. The pastor is wonderful. I have been seeing both a psychologist and psychiatrist and I am taking medications. Nothing seems to really help for any sustained period of time. I’m very worn out from divorcing this very difficult man. He has hurt me but more importantly, he has really hurt my child. He’s not in her life at all. I read the bible and pray everyday. I don’t know if I really know how to pray. I just beg Jesus for help. I beg him to relieve the anxiety and depression which is paralyzing me right now. You’re very kind to help people with this very challenging problem. Thank you again for your kind words and advise. Susan
Dear Susan,
I am heartened to hear that you are availing yourself of every means of possible help, including secular ones. Some Christians–I used to be one of them–think that going to a psychologist or taking medicine amounts to not trusting in Jesus. That is misguided. So I am glad you are doing what you can.
When someone hurts our children, that is the worst thing. Even worse than if they had hurt us. It is harder to forgive someone who hurts our children, too, than if they had just hurt us directly. I’m not saying you aren’t forgiving him, just recognizing how difficult this must be.
As a Catholic, I believe you would be helped by the sacraments. You have already received baptism, which is wonderful, but also the Eucharist where we believe Jesus is really present, Confirmation to stir up the Holy Spirit within you, and the sacraments of healing: Reconciliation and Anointing of the Sick.
That said, I don’t expect you to convert to Catholicism on the spot. More of a long term suggestion to look into it. I was an atheist then became a Baptist Christian thanks be to God then eventually became Catholic. It was the fulfillment of all the good and truth I believed as a Baptist.
I have experienced that, sometimes we are hurt so badly that it takes a long time to heal. Even asking Jesus to heal us everyday it takes a long time. I would say, whatever you need to do to get through this time, do it. If that means moving somewhere else to get a fresh start, do that. Or asking people for help, do that. The worst thing they can say is “no.” Too often we are afraid to ask people for help; we don’t want to intrude upon their lives. Yet meanwhile people are suffering terribly and you would never know it from looking at them. They look happy and fine because they put on a front, while on the inside they are being torn apart. Especially friends in your church should be willing to help.
May Christ graciously be with you and your family!
Devin
Devin,
I am a senior in college getting ready for my last semester here. About a month ago, my life was slammed with an anxiety or panic attack. Since then, feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, anxiety, fear, fear of going crazy or losing my faith, doubt in the presence of the Holy Spirit have been with me. I feel that some days are better than others, but I do not know how I can carry on this way. I have been talking to a non-Christian counselor free through my university. I have recently asked about seeing a psychiatrist for possibly exploring the benefits of medication to help me through this. My problem is that I’ve read about the dangers of SSRIs and other drugs. They almost seem to me to be more dangerous than they help. I also pray to God daily and ask him to deliver me from these horrible days. The healing has not been received yet. I feel like I know there’s hope, but for some reason I do not feel it. I do not feel the love of Christ in my life.
Dustin,
My heart goes out to you my friend. Anxiety and panic attacks are frightening and disturbing, making living life seem impossible and full of dread.
There is hope, however. Christ is your hope. And He will not abandon you. You know this but as you said don’t feel it. That is what happens sometimes.
I would definitely pursue trying out a medication prescribed by your doctor. If it has harmful effects or does not help, you can stop taking it. I do realize some of these medications can have withdrawal symptoms, but my thought is to cross that bridge when you come to it, after seeing whether they help you or not.
I would also recommend talking to your pastor or priest or someone wise spiritually and humanly speaking. Perhaps there is some deep fear you have that he or she could help you work through and understand. My fear was of failure, of humiliation, which naturally having an anxiety disorder and panic attacks threatened to make into a self fulfilling prophecy. But God helped me through those terrible episodes and gave me hope.
God bless,
Devin
I am grateful to have stumbled upon this site….I’ve been a lector for close to 15 years at my Church. Since it is a small parish, one lector is responsible for both readings and the petitions. I typically read once a month – sometimes twice since we have very few volunteers. For many years we did ‘announcements’ after Communion but now we do them as soon as the bells ring and before the priest processes. I am very comfortable with the readings and do my best to prepare well. For some reason the announcements before Mass have created problems for me. There is certainly no valid reason why the announcements should cause anxiety. Once they are finished – or near the end – I am fine. Often my knees and hands shake and I have had to stop for a moment to catch my composure. This never happens with the readings/petitions! I spoke with my priest and he advised me to just ‘pretend’ they are readings. It worked only for that Mass! One issue might be that he types in all caps with no spaces – could that be related? Also, we have merged with another parish (as many churches have) and sometimes there are different comments relative to which church is referenced. I should add that when we did the announcements after Communion I was fine. It’s the before Mass situation which appears to be the problem. Others are fine with it. I do love proclaiming so do not wish to quit the ministry. (I also distribute Communion and love that). This is a very real problem….and this weekend the Bishop will be visiting our Parish and I am scheduled….I have met him and am not in the least nervous about the fact that he is there. But I know many more people will be present – that is troubling. I do need to find a way to experience this more fully……PS: I need input ‘beyond the praying’….it simply is not clear why those announcements should be an issue! Thank you for your insight and ideas. (All ideas are welcome!)……
Carol,
I have faced similar fears, where I have anxiety for one kind of talk but not another. For me, it can be based on: 1) whether I have done one kind more than another (and thus have a habit built up of doing it, like lectoring the readings), 2) whether different people will be in the audience, perhaps new ones or ones I don’t know, 3) if I am not as familiar with the material, 4) if I feel like more eyes are on me.
The announcements are different than lectoring because when you lector, there is something of a ritual surrounding the process. You say words, the congregation responds at the end, etc. The announcements are more you as the town crier speaking and people watching you more. That’s an idea.
I would say, if it causes too much anxiety, ask if you can do the lectoring but let someone else do the announcements. That is how it is done at our parish sometimes anyway.
Beyond that, you could ask the pastor not to write the notes in all caps, which definitely makes it hard to read and can add anxiety. Or just keep on doing them again and again until you feel you got them. Or go in to the church with an audience of one or two (friends), and practice giving the announcements (walking up there, saying them, sitting back down).
God bless you!
Devin
PS….Although not mentioned…I do get to Mass at least 15-20 minutes before Mass to look over the information.
Can you practice before the day or are the announcements given to you on the day. I am a performer and practice helps me. However I still get really nervous. I have learnt how to control my body in the midst of anxiety so that I don’t lose my breath. It is not easy though. It is normal to feel nerves when doing things in front of people. Annoying, frustrating, depressing, but normal. I used to get absolutely terrible anxiety performing and I soon learnt that I should be afraid that I would get nervous which was a terribly vicious cycle. I was afraid of being afraid. I always pray and ask God to help me. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be able to perform at all. I still remember my first debate at school. I was so nervous that the paper I was holding was shaking so hard. I never went to school when there was a debate again. I was so afraid of being afraid.
Thank you Devin – your response was uplifting and so supportive! It means alot that people really do understand this….and Janice…I see those announcements only a few minutes before Mass. Although it could be that they are ‘new’, I doubt that is the biggest issue here. I’m thinking the main point is (as Devin stated) that they are not in the same presentation ‘mode’ as would be those readings or petitions. I absolutely feel a total calm when doing anything BUT those announcements! And as mentioned earlier…when I was doing them after Communion it was fine….the timing could be it, or the all caps OR the even maybe the fact that I am on the altar ALONE (just thought of that!)….what I do know is that THIS weekend I must do this – there will be no room for nervousness. I do not want my priest to be embarrassed with the Bishop visiting. Toward the end of this week he may opt to have 2 readers for the occasion – if that happens I can perhaps ask the other one to announce…if our Deacon is there he will not be able to do it b/c he will bring the Book up the aisle. So I’m honestly praying another reader can be selected to share the duties. But if not…I will need to ramp up and use whatever means possible to get through the first 3 minutes…HOW is the question! I appreciate this page…..thank you so much! Talking and sharing with folks here is a blessing!
Carol,
I think it would be very fair to request from your priest that another reader do the announcements. Sometimes we have to be quite candid with people and let them know that this is causing us anxiety. I think most people would understand.
I say just because it is clear you are feeling anxious, feeling you *cannot* get anxious (which as people pointed out can be self-defeating because you become anxious about not getting anxious). But that adds even more pressure on you.
In any case, if they do not get another reader for the announcements, and if you still decide to do it, all you can do is your best. I would say, head up to the Church earlier that day or the day before and practice reading by yourself up there with some mocked up script, just to try it out.
God loves you no matter what!
Devin… Somehow I’m feeling stronger about all of this…I did quite a bit of research since I wrote to you…..Will get the announcements early. I emailed my priest: He was wonderfully receptive for the asking. I think he assumed it was nervousness re: the Bishop and I explained it was not that at all! The readings will be split – and I was assigned the announcements and 1st reading. Last week I would have preferred 2nd and petitions. Now I’m liking the first part of the Mass – sitting through and waiting to ‘go on’ – would not be great. NOW those announcements seem OK. He was great when I asked him if there was anything special for the Mass – he said ‘be yourself’ and be nice to the Bishop. I truly like him and that made me feel so much stronger. So I am going to keep your words and the support I have received foremost. It pays to reach out and your page has taught me to not be afraid to ask others. Maybe my knees will shake a little..but now I see this as a gift to my priest! As I think about this…our parishes have merged and he has not yet been officially ‘installed’ as Pastor here. If that is the purpose of this visit, then how sweet the gift will be. EVEN (especially) if there are many people. But hey..these are all God’s people – in our house. Please pray for me to do well! I will keep you posted. Still a tiny bit nervous. But optimistic and confident He will give me the grace for this. I can do this! Thank you…
God bless you and love you, Carol. I’m so glad you are feeling better about this. You hit on another great point: the people at the church are your brothers and sisters in Christ. They are on your side. They love you. They are not enemies or people who want to see you fail, or who would rejoice in any pain of yours.
Devin