The blog dispute of the week in the Protestant world was waged between the conservative Reformed Protestants from The Gospel Coalition and liberal/emergent Protestant blogger Rachel Held Evans and her followers.
At issue is the division between Protestant complementarians and Protestant egalitarians. The complementarians believe that God made man and woman differently, and this means they have different roles (or that a hierarchy exists between them, whether in marriage or ecclesial settings). The egalitarians believe in “mutuality” where Christ has leveled the differences between males and females (“there is neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” – Gal. 3:28).
From a Catholic perspective, each side has some things right and some things wrong. My wife has just published a post that explains this here. The Church’s teachings avoid either Protestant extreme. And in my own marriage I have seen the truth of these teachings bear fruit.
My wife is the visionary in our family, the big dreamer. And she has the charism of administration I’m the details guy who dreams small and thinks of all the obstacles. In a very real sense my wife’s gifts are the ones typically found most valuable by the head of the group (whether a family or organization or business). So we have had to figure out how to work together in a way that her God-given talents and gifts find their fulfillment an expression in our family (and beyond).
And sometimes that means she sees something that we should do, a direction our family should go in, before I do. As the heart of our family, she is listening closely to the Heart of Christ. And being the visionary, she wants to go for it promptly.
But I move more slowly. Cautiously, and hopefully prudently. And so a tension arises where we have to pray and talk and work through where we believe God is leading us. That could be with moving our family somewhere, how we are rearing our children, how we are living our faith, etc. Important stuff.
We have learned over the past six years to be patient with each other, to value each other’s gifts. Often we have found that the direction Katie believed we were being led in was indeed where we needed to go. But the timing wasn’t right until we both came on board with it. And occasionally I don’t get the go-ahead from my reason or from God, and I have to tell Katie that I don’t think this is what we should be doing, or at least, not yet.
As a couple, we have endured some difficult and even hellish times. I will not elaborate. But like soldiers who have been through battles together, fighting side-by-side, an unspoken love and respect has grown.
Am I the head of our family? Yes. Katie and I both affirm that without hesitation. Is she the heart? Again, yes. But is there a mutual respect for the other as equal in dignity? Absolutely.
We have both found ourselves through the sincere gift of ourself to the other.
This is the Catholic teaching that we have lived out and found to be completely true. I as the man am the initiator of the gift, and my wife receives the gift and in doing so gives me the gift of herself. A mutual exchange of gifts.
My wife describes it likes this:
Pope John Paul II taught that a man initiates the gift of self and that the woman welcomes the gift and from it, gives life (we are not necessarily speaking of babies here; new life that can be spiritual, as well). The man is called by God to protect the gift, to lay down his life for his bride in imitation of Christ, who offered himself as an oblation for His Bride, the Church.
The woman is not a passive recipient; she is an active welcoming party who nurtures and protects the gift, but even here, our words are limited because, in another sense, the man and woman offer themselves to each other in such a way that their gifts flow in mutual self-donation.
It’s hard to describe all this, because we live it; and we are so close to it. But it’s one reason why reading the angry dust-up in these Protestant blogs seems so insensible to me. Then I remember that they don’t know. They have only part of the truth, not the fullness of it. And the truth they do have is intermingled with inaccuracies and errors ranging from mild to serious. It’s largely not their faults, either. They are working with what they have.
The love of my life
But what Protestants lack is the Church’s living river of Tradition, enlivened and guided in its course by the Holy Spirit, who sails the Barque of Peter through the Scylla and Charybdis threatening to whelm the ship on either side.
This isn’t something that we Catholics have come up with through our cleverness or faithfulness. Rather it is God’s faithfulness to us in His Church that has kept the ship from foundering into errors. That’s why I shake my head when I hear a Protestant claim we Catholics think we are something great. No, we haven’t done it of our own accord, as Christ showed when Peter went from the rock to the stumbling block in short order.
The Catholic Tradition preserves the revealed truth of God: that man has been made male and female, equal in dignity, and that the differences between us are truly beautiful. Through Christ, man and creation itself have been redeemed, and no talk of domination between husbands and wives has any place whatsoever. Christ does not dominate His Bride, the Church, but gives Himself for her. She is His mystical Body, and He is her Head.
I’ve argued with folks from the Gospel Coalition. And I’ve argued with Rachel and her followers. Sometimes I’ve been personally attacked or treated with ridicule by them. But I continue to weigh in at both forums in hopes of helping them see, by God’s grace, that the Catholic Church is true and therefore will free all of them from the slavery of error found in both extremes.
May Christ unite us in the fullness of the truth!
Feel free to add in the beautiful ways you and your spouse discover God’s direction for your family. Constructive comments are welcome as well.
I appreciate you guys weighing in on this, Devin. Something I’ve noticed in my own life is that the strong complementarian view of submission and dominance you find within places like GC & other Christian circles is that it doesn’t work well unless both spouses are God-focused people. The radical self-giving that talk about here, however, works even when on spouse or the other isn’t necessarily living a God-focused life.
For example, in my relationship with my husband, I’ve “tried out” various ways of relating to him. Since he’s inherited the infamous machismo of his culture, I quickly found that the “strong complementarian” model of relating to him led us to a toxic and dangerous place of domination and control. He isn’t a strong Christian, so to talk to him of “loving headship” or “mutual submission” was really like speaking another language.
However, when I focus on radical self-giving rather than a simple version of “submission”, I can act within a bigger picture, helping him to stop himself from becoming domineering and hurtful. I mostly looked to 1 Peter 3 for guidance on this, and trying to focus more on winning him to God and less to winning arguments. And if, as happens sometimes, there is a legitimate reason for me to oppose his decision on grounds of faith and morals, I (try to) do so with “quiet and gentle spirit” and “chaste and respectful behavior”.
Honestly, the difference this shift has made is almost miraculous. Of course, it was paired with hours and hours of mentoring with another couple, and couples-counseling, so it wasn’t my attitude, but a working of God and much dedication on my husband’s part!
I have read of something like this from people in protestant circles, but not very often at all. Hopefully we can see more of this kind of teaching coming through, and see the extremes fade a bit.
God bless!
Elizabeth,
God love you and your husband. Yes, what you describe is really true: this perspective allows you to make a gift of yourself regardless of what he chooses to do, regardless if he even is open to receiving the gift of yourself. And hopefully over time and by God’s grace he will grow in faith and wisdom and love.
And though I painted the picture as two sides in Protestantism, as you know there are people in the middle, unsure about which is right or if both have some truth to them. My hope is that John Paul II’s theology of the body will find a way into Protestant theology as well, that Protestants will hear about it.
Because Protestants want to understand how we are made by God, male and female. Just look at what Matthew Lee Anderson said about this subject:
He knows that the words “conquer” and “colonize” and “penetrate” are not good to use, but he doesn’t know what to change them to. He goes on to express further uncertainty:
So he needs the theology of the body. He needs sacred Tradition. He needs to be in full communion with the Church!
God bless,
Devin
This was poetic Devin:
“the Church’s living river of Tradition, enlivened and guided in its course by the Holy Spirit, who sails the Barque of Peter through the Scylla and Charybdis threatening to whelm the ship on either side.”
Very nice imagery.
“This isn’t something that we Catholics have come up with through our cleverness or faithfulness. Rather it is God’s faithfulness to us in His Church that has kept the ship from foundering into errors.”
You might say that God is giving His bride, the Church, the complete gift of Himself. And that she responds with fruitfulness. Hmmm, sounds familiar, sort of like husband and wife are meant to be!
One thing that has really helped my 12 year marriage a lot that I wished I learned earlier:
Don’t have any… and I mean any… serious discusions after 9pm (or whatever is “late” in your house). This has made the silly arguments spouses occasionally have very, very rare for us.
Second, it sounds cheesy, but constantly refocus on what will last, and seek those things. Sure you cant afford another kid. But you can’t afford the ones you have now either so why not have another!
That child will be there to bring you joy in the future and to glorify God. Likewise don’t get stuck on petty things that dont last, like money, stuff, and petty arguments and needing to be “right”. In the midst of an argument (or a potential one), tell yourself this over and over again:
“In insisting on myself being right, I become wrong.”
“If I win the argument, I have lost much more.”
Thanks David. What you describe between Christ giving Himself to His Church and vice-versa is spot on!
You are so right about no “late arguments” thing. Just last night we argued over who would make popcorn, of all the stupid things. I don’t know about him, but I went to bed angry, and woke up still angry! Over popcorn!
I won’t get into the sleepless baby night arguments …hoo boy. Yes, I am definitely remembering this one!
My wife and I love and respect each other, and forgive one another. We are equals.
In our church, men and women are equals as well.
“In Christ there are neither Jew nor Greek, male nor female, slave nor free.”
It preserves the freedom of God and the freedom of the Christian, and upholds the pure gospel and that the Word has it’s own power, not dependent upon someone’s skin color, or the length of their nose, or any particular genitalia.
Steve, so what do you make of the biblical passages that discuss husbands being the head of their wives?
Devin,
In those days it was so. A woman needed a man much more than today. A woman without a man in those days was a terrible life.
Things have changed.
What gives you the impression from the text that this is a temporary situation? Paul compares it to Christ and the Church and calls it a great mystery.
Devin:
This one line in your post jumped out at me: ‘But like soldiers who have been through battles together, fighting side-by-side’ …
Because of the heavy ‘submission’ teachings emphasized in the churches we have been a part of, and also because of my natural tendencies to lead (type A personality), I have often been domineering and dismissive of my wife’s opinions and not been as patient with her as I should. I have failed to truly listen to her opinions. It is only in recent months that I have begun to realize may failings and the lop-sided emphasis on ‘male headship’.
Coming back to that line of yours, as Christian couples, we need to recognize that we have a common enemy in Satan, the devourer and destroyer of all that is good and wholesome. If we kept in mind that we are partners on the ‘same side’ fighting together, I think we would have less problems.
My 2c
Dan
Dan, God bless you and your wife; wonderful that you have realized you have tended toward one extreme and seek to bring it a better way.
Thanks brother. Appreciate your prayers. It’s going to be a long road cos I did a lot of damage
I’ve seen a comment somewhere (wish I could remember where) that points out that even for complementarians, a good marriage is functionally egalitarian– the couple might well affirm the husband’s “headship”, but in practice decisions are made by consensus. Devin, your post makes it sound to me like this is true of your marriage as well.
What does “leadership” really look like if a man is seriously trying to take his wife’s thoughts and needs into consideration? Seems like it becomes an equal partnership, regardless of the label used to describe it.
Rocket City Recusant,
Good question. Of course, I only briefly sketched out a few examples within my marriage, but there have been times when my wife believed strongly that we were being called to do something big, and I did not think so. And I “vetoed,” for lack of a better word, her vote. In the few times when this has happened, months later she has realized that indeed we were right not to do what she thought we should.
My wife has remarked to me several times that, no matter what she thinks about something we should do, until I get behind it and take it up, it just kind of languishes. Even if it is something she could basically do herself. She finds that she wants my support and leadership to move forward with it. This isn’t some weakness in her, as she is very strong, courageous, and capable, but simply something she has recognized has happened in spite of her wanting to do such and such thing at times.
That’s why these labels make no sense to me. What I described would freak out many of these Protestant egalitarians. And also the Protestant complementarians would like think it too weak on my part. Oh well. We seek to live out our Catholic Faith in all areas, including our marriage, and it has worked well for us.
God bless,
Devin
As someone currently preparing for marriage (Sep 29 – feast day of the Archangels. Go St. Raphael!) who hasn’t spent his whole life following the right path, I can attest for how much more wonderful and beautiful a relationship is when both sides understand each other and work in conjunction for the good of the whole (family).
I think we need to focus more on the imagery of the man as the “Head” of the family more in the definition of the biological head as opposed to a social position of power and dominance. Speaking in the latter sense seems to elicit more confusion and lead to misinterpretations which are then passed along to others who then mistake and thus become less likely to explore the sacramental beauty of a Catholic marriage which is a shame.
Both the head and the heart of a body must work together to exist. The heart provides life-giving blood and nutrients to the head helping to keep it functioning fully just as a wife gives life to a marriage through support, counsel, and love. In turn, the head seeks out “food” for the heart to convert into these. This food isn’t just what is eaten, but also in how one lives their lives. (Exercise is good for the heart as well as the brain. So is positive social interaction.)
In addition, the heart (a little more metaphorically) has the power to move the body in very powerful ways. While we tend to focus on decision making as solely a function of the head, how often do we find ourselves *moved* into action by a powerful emotion? That’s the heart moving within you!
Each decision, each act within your life is a joint decision made between the head and the heart. One does not dominate the other. Rather, they work in conjunction to keep the body fruitful.
In marriage, a husband and wife must work together in mutual harmony understanding the unique role each individual brings to the table. Just as the heart and head cannot function fully (or at all) without the other, a husband and wife must give each other the “food” that each needs in order to move the body.
We can also see that when one part suffers, the other does as well. When we use our heads and consume unhealthy food or take up unhealthy habits, the heart suffers. If the heart is damaged, there is less life provided to the head. To fix this, the cycle must be broken and both parts need to work in harmony.
-Mr. B
Bravo, Mr. B!
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This part was really good, Devin:
“I as the man am the initiator of the gift, and my wife receives the gift and in doing so gives me the gift of herself. A mutual exchange of gifts.”
I am blessed with a humble husband. I would follow him anywhere. He seeks my input and I trust him with the outcome.